Red Dye...

Time To Close The Stage Curtain

2006-01-10T17:20:00.000+08:00

TRICKSEEH IS SIGNING OFF......Auf Wiedersehen!! :)

2005-12-13T12:58:00.000+08:00

IN HIATUS FOR AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME

Friends, you know where to go...Thanks! =)

Finding The Christmas Spirit

2005-12-11T21:47:00.001+08:00

    Unlike the other Christmas seasons wherein November pa lang e handang handa na ako sa Christmas...this time there was a big difference. Too many sad things happened this past few weeks and months na even if you could already feel the December breeze e I still couldn't feel the Christmas spirit. I usually enjoyed Christmas since it was the only time that my wishes would come true (well materially that is) but this year my wish couldn't be bought in stores and such so I don't know if mangyayari pa yun. Maybe it will happen. That's a big maybe. Maybe in a few months or so I don't know. *sigh*
    Anyway, I was looking for a way to find the Christmas spirit in me so I volunteered as a Santa for one of the Company's project's Christmas activity for some of the orphanages around Metro Manila. I chose one kid since in just an hour e naubos lahat ng mga bata sa list na pinost nila online. Ang galing! And alot of people where even demanding if may susunod na list pa ng mga bata. I granted one of the wishes of a kid. At least if indi man magrant ang wish ko e nagrant ko naman ang wish ng isang bata. He wished for new clothes (shirt and shorts) so I bought him two pairs. Lhen was amazed sa aking budget na binigay for the kid pero it felt right naman to spend that much. They'll be giving my gift on Saturday. =)

    And last Friday, Lhen and I went back to the office to wrap the gifts we bought for our officemates and friends. At least kaysa we drank the night away e nagbalot kme ng gifts 'till 12 midnight..haha.. We are so WEIRD. Its so funny kasi para kmeng nagpapatalbugan ng dami ng gift na nakadisplay sa aming cube..haha.. At least I could feel it kahit papano. Even our TL asked me if may contest ba kmeng dalawa ni Lhen sa gifts..haha.. We want a christmas tree badly kaya lang sayang sa budget and knino mapupunta yun afterwards dba? Tsaka may huge christmas tree na sa lobby..for the whole floor nga lang un.
    I couldn't wait for Ryan and Shei to open their gifts..haha.. Slightly nasa crazy side kse kme ni Lhen when I bought their gifts kaya ayun! Malupit na comedy!! Hahaha..

I Thank Thee

2005-12-09T15:38:00.000+08:00

I would like to thank all the people below na nakatiis sa aking insanely reactions for almost two months na. Even if they weren't able to catch me, they tried their very best. Nakinig and hushed me when I was crying. Dahil tao lang sila they do sometimes judge the situation that I got into pero in the end they were just there to listen to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Anj and Tita- The first persons (besides Poli's mom) that knew about the break-up. They were the ones who became my crying shoulder right after I got the shock of life. She tried her best to comfort me. They welcomed me with open arms sa bahay nila to have an impromptu overnight.

Rheza - Everytime she went online halos 90% of the conversation will be about my situation. She never said that I was stupid or anything. She was just there to listen or rather read..haha.. Hence the more than 5 hours na YM conversation.

AJ - Naka-auto dial na ata ang kamay ko to his number whenever I'm alone and is about to cry. Nakikinig sa tape recorder kong mga sinasabi without judging Poli or me. Nakikitawa sa aking sarcasm and would just listen whenever I cry. And if kailangan makipagmeet makikipagmeet just to comfort me kaya lang laging nasasablay ang pagmimeet..hehe..

Rouie - My ka-chat almost every night. Nagpapatahan sa akin sa gabi. And isa pa sa mga "emergency I need a hug let's meet" person ko kaya lang trabaho ko naman ang may kasalanan bakit hindi matuloy-tuloy.

Lhen a.k.a. Buddy & Dennis - My shopping and SB partners. Minsan e pinapagalitan ako pero lagi silang nandyan sa tabi ko whenever malapit na akong umiyak sa opis. And if she knows talagang super down ako that day, she'll stop the sarcasm and the jokes and icocomfort na lang ako by hugging me. Si Dennis naman ang aking love guru..haha.. Halos pareho kasi sila ni Poli so he was able to let me understand the situation. Itong dalawa ang kasabay ko halos lagi kapag uuwi. I'll always be the kawawang tao during our trip kasi magtatalo sila tapos gusto kumampi ako sa sari-sarili nilang sides but of course joke joke lang naman ang pagtatalo nung 2 'to. Si Dennis ang mahilig magprisinta na maging bf ko...haha.. Of course we both know its a joke, alam ko namang kahit anong mangyari loyal na loyal pa rin siya sa gf niya..hehe..

Sab - My TL who's becoming Mrs. Yu in a few days. Isip bata at makulit. During the first few days after the break-up siya yung lumalapit lagi sa cube ko to ask if I'm ok.

Shei - Ang taong tinakbuhan ko the morning about the personal letter issue arised. The moment I got to her cube umiyak kaagad ako and nihug lang niya ko 'till tumahan ako.

Ryan - Si Mr. SB at KF. SB na ata ang dugo nito..haha.. Mahilig mang-asar kapag down ako. Nang-aasar siya ng Shao at Matet para matawa ako or para mag-change topic yung utak ko.

Tita Tess - Poli's mom; She comforted me via text when all I sent was "yngat po kayo!" nung paakyat sila ng Baguio. Even after the break-up sobrang bait pa rin niya sa akin.

Mau - The girl in PSE who would call me up just to ask how I was doing. Siya si shampoo girl.

Wally and Dya - During the last months of the relationship they would try to cheer me up. And after nung break-up ready sila magcomfort via YM and AIM. And during the nights na umiiyak ako I always talk to him via YM. And kahit na nasa opis pa siya and busy he would try to make me smile.

Aileen - I'm happy for her kasi she found somebody special. She would talk to me sa AIM kapag I couldn't work. Pinapatahan, nakikinig and all...

My Secret Friend - The friend that told me never to give up.

And for the other people that I can't mention there names. Thanks. Someday sasabihin ko din kung sinu-sino kayo.

2005-12-09T15:00:00.000+08:00

GOAL: Make this Christmas 2005 the best Christmas ever.
REASON: Malufet na SECRET. Wahahaha!!
HOW: Spend, give and share to the point na kahit pati saving e magamit. No use naman. Hahaha!!

The Bad Habit Is Back Again

2005-12-08T09:56:00.000+08:00

I have become coffee and chocolate drink dependent again. Lack of sleep + Lots of work + Extra Issues That Only Close Friends Should Know = A daily dose of caffeine. Back in Eastwood, I would always buy a coffee drink after lunch to keep me awake 'till 6 pm onwards and sane while trying to understand and read .Net Pdf stuff. Now that I'm in Makati, I thought I would stop being dependent to coffee but with Starbucks just across the street and tons of work to be finished everyday...I just couldn't help but ran to the shop and buy myself a drink.
I know that for every drink I buy (besides the corresponding sticker for the planner...and nakapuno na kme ni Lhen ng 2..haha..) Im helping a child but I know I should stop it as soon as I can. Hahahahaha... The coffee I've been drinking has become stronger and stronger as the months go by. I need to stop. Tsk tsk tsk.. Maybe 'till January 1...'till the "celebration" of the project...but after that I know more work will still come.. *sigh* I have to find a new way to keep my mind and body awake.

Hyper Kiddo

2005-12-04T19:44:00.000+08:00

    I'm hyper!! It started with a very very good morning. Paggising pa lang good morning na..wahaha!! And then nasira ng konti kasi stupid me didn't think of eating breakfast and nagkagulo yung work ko. I was all alone in the 4th floor..the mumu floor..huhuhu.. Pero I was touched kasi I called somebody while riding a cab home tapos as in nakipagkuwentuhan sa akin via cell using yung load niya. From Makati 'till Congressional kausap ko siya. Wow! Ispesyal ba ako? ..hihi.. Kaya super ingay ko sa loob ng taxi to the point na my old direction sickness was back. My right is my kaliwa and my left is my kanan. Buti the taxi driver was patient with my sense of direction..wahahaha.. I was super hyper when I got home na I was trying to find somebody na madaldal..haha.. Kaya lng they were busy e kaya I just danced and sang sa sala..haha.. Ala naman tao e? =D
    Heard this song (yung nsa baba). Super puhretty.. Kalevel niya ang Heaven.. Ang saya iimagine din na kinakanta while your walking down the aisle.. SUPER NICE! =D I can see the white gown, the pews, the bouquet, the husband-to-be, the smiling guests, the petals, the flower girl, the priest and the cross infront of the church. I wanna....I wanna record..wahaha! Crazy girl!

Angels Brought Me Here
Guy Sebastian

It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Brought me here to be with you
I'd be forever grateful (oh forever grateful)

My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

    You know what? Kahit gaano kasakit and kahit gaano kahirap ang masaktan minsan because of love..nothing can surpass the feeling of being in love with somebody. Parang you can face the worst days with a smile basta you know that you are in love. And syempre much greater ang saya and happiness if you know that that person also loves you back. So even if how much I cry or how much I get hurt alam kong I'll never be afraid to fall in love again. Kung pagrekindle man yun ng old love or bago, it isn't important.. Ang important is yung pagmamahal niyo sa isa't-isa. I will never lose my hope in love. =)

    Somebody texted this to me.. "Anna, you've always said that you don't like to break promises and I think you haven't broke any na sinabi mo sa ibang tao. May isang tao lang ang bnebreakan mo ng promises..sarili mo.." I promise you my friend..indi na..

A Start of A New Beginning

2005-12-04T08:11:00.000+08:00

    I stayed in his place last night. Talked, talked and just basically hang out like during the good old times. Getting into it for the third time was not just hard for him but for me. I went with it with having fear in my heart. My wounds hasn't totally healed yet and so is his heart. It was hard to go back to the old rituals of "lambing" and all.. Nahihirapan ako..nahihirapan din siya. I just didn't want to tell him 'coz I didn't want to break my promise of not giving up.
    But after a few hours we both knew that being in a relationship right now wasn't something that would be good for the both of us. I was happy to have him back but I wasn't sure if that happiness was true or I was just clinging to the past. He wasn't also happy to be back. Too many things happened these past few months...too many harmful actions and words were done...patong patong na sugat. And ang hirap i-heal when your awaiting another blow in a few weeks or so.
    After nawala ung pressure..after we agreed to stay friends for now.. Everything went back to normal. We were laughing again and it was true spontaneous and no act laughter. We were talking about each other's experiences and were both being carefree.
    I don't think we'll ever be just normal friends. Whatever happens iba pa rin ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya. I told him na it's hard for me not to see him or meet with him once in a while so we agreed that we can still go out together pero as friends muna. And for some reason the affection that was hard to do nung we got back together e parang ang dali-dali na nung hindi na kami. Of course, ala na yung super intimate affection but the affection is still there.
    Alam naman naming dalawa na for three years naging super comfortable kami sa isa't-isa kaya siguro kahit hindi na kami e we still hug each other and lay our heads on each other's laps. I don't think that type of affection will ever fade away. I even cried at one point since sa kanya ko nilabas lahat ng sama ng loob ko about the things I disliked about other people after the break up. But everything went ok even during the night.
    I know it all sounds weird. May affection pero hindi sila? They will go out together lang pero hindi sila? But I guess its the best we both could do for now. At least we both still truly believe that maybe someday we can get back together as a couple..

I watch you sleep tonight
Asking, Wondering
When will be the next time?

Will I ever find the way back to your heart?
Will my place be still there
when it starts?

How?
When?
How long will it take?

Only your heart knows
Baby,
Only your heart knows

2005-11-30T18:07:00.000+08:00

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.

Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

I believe.
I'll stand by his side.
I have hope.
I have faith.
I'll endure.
I am strong.

I will never break a promise.
I will never give up.
I will love.
I will cherish.
I will understand.

--Trixie--

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz...

2005-11-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

I just learned this morning that I may be working 6 days every week. WOAH! The things that happen when the implementation date is getting near. Kaboosh! Which means I may be working during Sundays or Saturdays but I announced na that I should be free on my December 13 Sunday. It's my time to unwind and go out of town before my real torture begins (15th of December 'till the 1st week of January). Hopefully our schedules will match, if not then oh well..I guess the next time that I could go on an out of town trip is around the end of January or February pa nga. ..hayyy.. If only I didn't semi-enjoy my work then I'll be crazy by now.

I think I need to bring my headphones na..haha.. I need music!! Si Dennis kasi e..malaking impluwensiya ang Ipod niya..haha..

2005-11-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm HAPPY!! God answered my prayers.. I mean talagang every hour or every time I feel bad yun na yun yung pinagdadasal ko. Jay-r's giving me chance and his willing to open his heart once again. I know the first few days and weeks would seem uncomfy kasi nagbreak kami but I know I can prove him wrong. I know I can show him that maraming magaganda sa relationship namin kaysa sa pangit. And I know I can rekindle the fire inside his heart. I have faith and hope sa relationship..I really do.. Thank you for all the prayers and support. But most especially thank you Lord..

2005-11-28T00:51:00.000+08:00

I watched Serendipity at the eve of the supposed to be 3rd anniversary. I didn't intentionaly watch it, yun lang kasi yung movie i liked since most were too serious or sobrang pambata. I never believed 100% in signs but for the past month everyday I'll receive at least one. And at around 12 am while going home from the impromptu gimik...after a day of no signs at all, the radio played Heaven. I never fully relied on signs but getting at least one everyday can really catch your attention. Para ba talagang nagpapapansin. The only problem is...I think I'm the only one receiving the signs and he isn't...I don't know..I don't know anything at all.

2005-11-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

    I sent him the scrapbook last Friday. He told me today that it was second best birthday gift ever. I asked him what was the best birthday gift and he told me that it was my "i love you too" three years ago. I didn't know what to say..ano ba dapat kong sabihin diba? He told me that I shouldn't worry because he'll add stuff dun sa scrapbook because the last page had a question, "Will you help me create the pages for the forever years to come?" I asked "how could he do that e indi na kami?" He said na he didn't know how to answer that question.
    I don't know what I should feel anymore....

Birthday wish...birthday wish...where are you? =(

Then I said this to him about an hour after 'coz the internet connection was acting up..

trixe_15: i just need to say some things if its ok..
Poleeh: sure..
trixe_15: i started the scrapbook more than a month ago..
trixe_15: i thought of making one para we could place all our memories there since we never had one..
Poleeh: ok..
trixe_15: the basic intention was basically after i made the first few pages e we could make the others together..
trixe_15: i guess at least we can savor and remember the moments..
trixe_15: i know naman na it wasnt bad all the time..i mean yah we had the roughest moments for the past months but indi naman siya lahat bad...i mean we had also the best moments during the past months..
trixe_15: we even had super perfect days..
trixe_15: kaya lng it was the days na ala tyo parehong camera dala so alang souvenir..
trixe_15: i guess giving u the scrapbook was letting u show that it ain't that bad...other couples had worse scenarios pa nga..
trixe_15: and i guess in a way u were the one who thought me that...kaw lagi nagsasabi sa akin na indi mo tinatandaan ung mga bad moments natin..ung good lang..
trixe_15: *taught
trixe_15: and i hope u'll see the positive side of the relationship sa scrapbook na yan..
trixe_15: and the things u believed in before..
trixe_15: and ung mga things na i think nakalimutan mo na..
trixe_15: even sa akin nakatulong yang scrapbook na yan...nakatulong sa akin to see the better side of the relationship..
trixe_15: and remember all the things we both said to each other..
trixe_15: i just hope that by flipping thru the pages e u'll feel the love that we have for each other...gaya ng naramdaman ko while i was making that..
trixe_15: i hope u'll open ure heart and try to feel it when u are looking at the scrapbook..

    For the first time in 3 years I don't know what his feeling right now..he didn't reply back..nag-idle na lang sa YM...

The Impromptu Group

2005-11-27T00:26:00.000+08:00

    Just got home from my officemates' impromptu gimik..hehe.. We were planning of going to Leo's Park tapos naging Tagaytay tapos in the end naging kakaiba. Last Friday was Poli's birthday and syempre as much as I wanted to go to his party I knew that I couldn't. It isn't na I don't want to celebrate it and all pero I have to take care of myself also. And I didn't want to ruin his night. Pinagdasal ko na lang siya. The truth is araw-araw ko naman sinasama sa prayers ko si Poli.
    The tagaytay trip that my friends and I planned didn't go through kasi mahal na mahal namin ang aming work..haha.. So we ended up renting a suite in BSA Suites near Dela Rosa for Friday night 'till Saturday morning. Ang galing nga talaga namin noh? We rented a 4k room for a night para lang to get wasted..haha.. Then kami ni Lhen with the help of Dennis went to SM to shop for supplies (beer, cali ni lhen haha, super daming pulutan, toiletries, etc.). We ended up having 3 rounds of tequila, a few bottles of san mig light, isang red horse grande and our own version of Baileys (rhum + magnolia chocolate). And could you believe ako pa ang nag-initiate ng pagstart ng pag-inom ng tequila? ..haha.. I think naman they understood naman what I was going thru for the past month and especially this past two weeks kaya sabi sa akin bigla "Anna..ibang level na ito!!"..haha.. Tapos nag-usap pa kami ni Dennis about my situation. Pareho kasi halos sila ni Poli ng hinihingi before (sa totoo parehong-pareho..kaya nagkakaintidihan kami nun) kaya he was trying to explain it to me. I told him naman na gets na gets ko na ang problem lang is that now that I get it and I now surely know that I can do somethign about it e he still doesn't want me to try and fix his heart. And could you believe na ako halos ang nakaubos ng red horse? ..haha.. Talo kasi lagi ako sa pusoy dos kaya ayun..tsk tsk tsk..
    Then we went to Enchanted Kingdom nung Saturday morning..haha..Alang uwian un ha..straight from the suite..haha.. Ang galing galing talaga namin sa impromptu e we just thought about going there nung Friday afternoon. We got there around 11 and stayed 'till 10. Ilang Anchor's Away, Wheel of Fate, Flying Fiesta, Bump Car, Space Shuttle, Rio Grande at kung anu-ano pa..We even got to see the fireworks display. Para ko ngang long lost sister si Lhen kasi para kaming twins na sumasayaw, naghhop at tumatalon while walking sa park..haha..
    Oh yah!! I need to dance pa pala sa Christmas party ng project..haha..required kasi for all new roll-ins since July. Kaya ayun..mukhang magiging ako pa ang mag-iisip ng steps kasi we are about 5 guys and 3 girls. Tapos sayaw!! Ngyak!! *sigh* bahala na..sa december 14 lng nman un..whapak!!
    *sigh* *sigh* Ang sarap magliwaliw at pumunta kung saan saan...pero I still feel incomplete...so incomplete..

Somebody asked me.. "Anna, are you happy?" And I answered "Absolutely..No" Then she asked me, "Then why do you smile, hop, dance and be the makulit person you are?" I replied, "I'm not happy...what you see it just a mask I need to use to stay sane. If you only knew the things I feel when I take the mask off at the end of the day..Mabigat and mahirap man dalhin e I don't fully have a choice on those things. Crying, weeping, screaming and all wouldn't be able to help me get these emotions out of my system. I think most of the people I know know the solution for getting rid of these feelings pero I don't have a right nor the power to make that solution become reality."

2005-11-23T17:27:00.000+08:00

    I had to take a sick leave today... I just couldn't take it anymore and all the emotional stress plus the physical stress from work made me sick. The truth is, I've been sick for a month na ayaw ko lang ipakita sa iba that I wasn't feeling well. But today, lumabas na yung lahat ng masama kong nararamdaman in the form of a fever kaya I really had to be absent today. Baka mamaya mag-collapse na lang ako sa daan..no can do.
    Jay-r popped me a message today. I was totally surprised. He invited me to be part of his birthday celebration on Friday and I declined. The truth is, I really want to see him...badly.. I've been waiting for that day since we graduated kse that would be the first time na I'll be able to celebrate his birthday na ala akong curfew..I can stay even 'till Monday pa nga sa bahay nila without any hassle or problems. Kaya lang seeing him tapos I can't even hug or kiss him will kill me emotionally lalo na ang dami pang tao dun. Sana if kami lang dalawa, baka mapigilan ko pa yung sarili ko pero its a party. I wont feel comfortable. And ayoko maging plastic lalo na with him. No more lies kaya I told him the truth why I can't go. It breaks my heart not to go but I know I have to take care of myself also.
    Alam ko naman isa yun sa mga natutunan ko after the break up. Kelangan mahalin ko muna sarili ko... Promise ko naman sa sarili ko I'll follow all the stuff I said on my past entry kahit yung tungkol sa space (pertaining to giving my other half some space) and all.

Lessons Learned/Realizations 101

2005-11-21T10:22:00.000+08:00

    Today marks the end of the month. Wow, isang month na, could you believe? If I'm sarcastic today, I'll surely say...nah nevermind what I'll say. I'm not sarcastic today anyway. After 1 month, I can say that I've learned and seen everything in a new perspective. I guess that's what really happens when something drastic and life changing suddenly happens to you. Biglang ang bilis bilis mong matuto and makaintindi. And based on my past experiences, it is only during these times na I really get it. As in I really learn and change. Kaboinky me!

      1. Now I know who are the people that I can trust. I mean sa mga friends ko. Yung hindi plastic. Kasi yung iba they say one thing but they do the other parang nakakaloko. Parang they give you this false comfort. Ewan ko..sa akin lang naman.
      2. I realized na I was never balanced. Well, I tried to be at first..when the relationship was just starting but I was too engulfed in the relationship that I almost forgot about them...My true friends na kahit na I almost forgot about them e always there kapag I had a rough day (..meaning naloloka nanaman ako because of the situation that happened). Isang sms lang and they try to meet me para I'll feel better. Hence, the biglaang overnight, the impromptu UST thing, the calls during lunch break, more than 5 hrs of YM conversations, calls during weekends when I'm alone sa bahay and weeping to death and yung naudlot na shopping sa Designer Depot at ang hindi natuloy na Avilon Zoo. And the best thing about it is that they are just there to listen. They don't pollute my mind nor say alot kasi they know that they just know half of the story so they don't understand the situation fully. And I think that's a mature way of dealing with a crying, weeping, crazy and naloloka na bata...hahaha.. GOOOOOoooooo FRIENDS!! ..hehe.. You know who you are. Super Duper Danke!! =)
      3. That I can have a life besides the one I have with Poli which I think his been trying to teach me since summer or rather since the last semester of college. I thought I was doing it na these past few months but due to that Day I now know na hindi pa pala. Maybe I do do it but partial lang. And after a month of being forced na hindi siya kausapin and itext and all... I now know na I could have a life besides the one I have with him and still love him. Well, if given a chance to come back..I'll sure say yes to it but I won't surely give up the other life that I was given a chance to see and experience. Masmasaya e!! And syempre super duper over the top saya if I could have both worlds, diba? Kasi before I felt kulang kse I didn't have the world I have now..pero ngaun I feel lalo ng incomplete kasi my bago akong mundo pero nawala naman sya..hayyyy..
      4. I found my independent self again. I know naman na since I was a kid I was independent..parang hindi bunso noh? ..hahaha.. But umabot sa point na umasa ako fully kay Poli. Naspoil ako siguro masyado. Hence, lahat na lng ng decision ko e I ask him muna about it. Good in some ways but bad in alot of ways.
      5. That I really know him fully it's just that when I feel so alone and desperate, I listen to other people's stories tapos try to believe in those kahit na alam kong hindi niya iyon magagawa. The stupid things a person does when she's emotionally high (and a bad emotional high it is)..tsk tsk tsk.. Has to change, has to change...
      6. That I really really love him kasi I let him go kahit na hindi mutual decision yung break up. I just can't bear see him cry and sad because of me. Sa totoo now I still can't bear it kasi I know his still not ok. I did it for him to be ok but a part of me tells me na his not ok. I want to help him badly but I can't kasi he won't let me. Now I can really say na I love him as in more than he'll ever know and feel.
      7. That he doesn't know me well. Or that he has too many mixed emotions inside of him na it seems like he doesn't know me even if he really does.
      8. That I won't be able to love another person greater or as much as I love him. Unfair kung unfair doon sa susunod na tao (if ever may susunod pa) pero nobody can ever understand how much I love him. He isn't the first guy that passed by my way so it isn't really the "first love" typical syndrome.
      9. That I need to keep some love for myself but not to the point that you become cold or selfish basta may itira ka lang. I think its a lesson both of us should learn. =D
      10. That I know I'll really apply and follow all the lessons na I have learned. Well, matagal ko ng alam na ganito ang personality ko..haha.. Just ask my mom. =D
      11. Don't utter words when your 100% mad. Think then say stuff..
      12. Get sad over things but don't go overboard. Oki lang malungkot because of a dissapointment pero dapat after a few minutes oki ka na. Don't dwell on it too much which what I did these past few months. Dwelling on stuff wouldn't heal the wounds kasi.

    It's his birthday on Friday. I'm sad na I can't be there to celebrate it with him. Tsaka if given a chance I don't know if I can do it. I want to but I'm afraid of getting hurt. Yung makita siya pero hindi mo siya malambing or makiss or mahug. Ang hirap kasi... I'll surely try to overcome the fear..the fear of rejection from him pero I dunno..
    Dapat nga today is that the start of my surprise plan.. And since I couldn't do the surprise even if I want to... Lam mo yun, parang feeling banned ako to do those stuff..
    Suprise Plan = Magpadeliver everyday sa office nila ng something special starting November 21.
      Monday - 14 inch na New York's Finest from Yellow Cab
      Tuesday - Blueberry Cheesecake from Cheesecake Etc. or Red Ribbon
      Wednesday - Cinnamon Rolls (mga isang box para maishare naman nya..hehe) from Starbucks w/ ksamang coffee of course.. =D
      Thursday - Eto kse still nagdedebate pa ako last month..If sans rival from Red Ribbon or Popeyes..
      Friday - Me!! Haha..sa totoo..Mango Float Cake w/c I will make that I will personally deliver. Dapat kse magooff-set ako and take a half day na lng sa work. Excuse ko yung diploma or sumthin pero dadaan muna ako Ortigas.. =D
    Pero now lahat yan ay dreams na lang. I want to do it but I know I can't and shouldn't...kaya at least nasulat ko diba? La lang...

Heaven Knows (The Angel Has Flown)
Orange and Lemons

There are times when I'm lying in my bed
Hug my pillow and cry from this tip again
And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day
Almost rubbed down, swelling, as I keep on
Dipping my face in these cold hands of mine
Heaven knows how bitter I am

Chorus
‘Cause this angel has flown away from me
Leaving me in drunken misery
I should have clipped ~~her~~ his wings and made ~~her~~ him mine
For all eternity
Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought I had the strength to set ~~her~~ him free
Did what I did because I love ~~her~~ him so
Will ~~she~~he ever find ~~her~~ his way back home to me
Aah…

I’m so tired, I feel like catching forty winks
Being up all night in this elbow room
That puts me in a trance
Where hopes and dreams come true
Now my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting
From this fuse I mixed till I light another
Cigarette just to pass my time, oh
Heaven knows how bitter I am

(Repeat chorus)

DANCE

2005-11-20T16:24:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I really danced. Dancing gives me the motivation to go on with life with a smile on my face. Kasi nga diba exercise makes a person happy.. So yah, I've been dancing the whole morning..hahaha.. I'm a bit rusty but I know I just need to get back to it para masanay ulet ako.
I've also tried going to a dance studio in Roces Ave.. Ang SARAP!! Woohooo!!! ..haha.. I have to spend nga lang but I think its all worth it. I miss dancing and now I'm back for good. Buti na nga lang I didn't join the Capoiera (dunno the spelling..lam ko mali..) free dance classes kasi sagot ng company..hehe.. Based on Lhen's experience more on the martial arts side siya kaysa dance..hehe.. Super sakit daw sa bones and muscle..hehe.. I'd rather spend and do it on my own pace.

2005-11-19T16:15:00.000+08:00

    Tapos na ang drama cycle. Tapos na ang iyakan phase. But you know what even if its over and nilet go ko na siya, it doesn't mean na ala na akong faith. Logical na ako mag-isip. Ginagamit na pareho ang utak at puso pero pareho pa rin ang aking conlusion. Hindi na ako martyr...sino naman kasing gustong laging masaktan diba? Sabi nga diba, "Problems are not your problem. How you let your problems affect you is your problem." Yan ang nakalimutan ko gawin these past few months..
    It took me a 2 months to feel at home sa Project ko ngayon. Ngayon gets ko na lahat. Get ko na lahat ang mga dahilan bakit ganon sya magreact these past few months. Umabot na rin ako sa level na nagegets ko yung kasiyahan na nararamdaman niya kasama ang ibang tao lalo na yung mga kaopisina niya. Ok na sana e dba? Kasi gets ko na pero ala ng silbi ang pagkagets kasi ala nanaman siya faith sa akin. Sabi ko sa kanya dati give it one last chance tapos sabi sa akin.."Anna, hindi ka naman magbabago e...Uulit lang ito ulet". Ang lungkot..ang lungkot na hindi ako mabigyan ng chance. Hindi ko siya nagets just because gusto ko makipagbalikan. Sa totoo, dumating sa akin yung pagkakataon na magets yun ng ala ako ginagawa. It just came but it all came too late. Talagang afterwards, ngayon ko masasabi buong-buo na magagawan pa ng paraan without any emotional drama involved. Logical, calm and matino...Alam kong pwede pa. Kaya lang nawalan na ata siya ng faith at ng tiwala sa akin. How sad diba? Hindi na ako nasasaktan...nalulungkot lang ako.
    I feel helpless kasi ayaw niya ibukas ang isipan niya at puso niya sa idea na yun. He just got stuck dun sa idea na "ayoko na". Ang sad..ang sad talaga..
    Pareho kaming napaso and I think the break up has given me a new perspective when it came to our past relationship. Kaya lang anong magagawa ko diba?

Friday Habit

2005-11-19T04:55:00.000+08:00

    4:54 na at kakauwi ko lang sa bahay..hahaha.. Umalis ng 7 sa opisina para manood ng 8:20 show ng Harry Potter 4 sa THX Cinema sa Amorsolo. Pinakamahal na movie na napanood ko..haha.. 11 natapos and dapat uuwi na ko pero nag-txt si Shei ng "Asan ka?".. Kakaalis pa lang pala nila sa office at nasa Giligans. Sumunod ako..ilang beer, Cruiser at 2 shots ng tequilla..hahaha.. Tapos dapat uuwi na pero dumaan kami ng Starbucks kasi nalasing na si Lhen at kinailangan ng coffee. Pagdating sa Ayala naisipan magjoy ride naming 5 (since umuwi na yung iba)..haha.. 3 Guys and 2 Girls..asaran at kulitan sa kotse. Nauwi sa pagpunta sa Eastwood at around 1 am pero weird kasi Friday night pero parang alang katao-tao sa Eastwood so naisip namin na pumunta sa Q. Ave. at magbilyar. Siguro kung hindi On Call ang aming designated driver (since siya lang ang may dala ng sasakyan) mamayang 8 a.m. e baka saan pa kami nakarating. Hinatid si Mark sa Fairview, tpos ako naman, tpos si Lhen sa Caloocan tpos yung natitirang 2 ay uuwi sa Valenzuela.
    Habang nanonood ng Harry Potter naalala ko Siya. E pano 2 summers ago I was sketching a picture of him na tulog at kamukhang kamukha ng glasses niya yung kay Harry Potter. Sabi ko sa sarili ko at that time, his my Harry Potter.. At ang sabi ko knina, "Ay...ala na pala yung Harry Potter ko.. *sigh*" How sad.. *sigh*
    Tinanong ako kanina if ever daw na hindi kami nagbreak ni Poli e sasama daw ba ako sa kanila sa ganitong mga kabaliwan tuwing Friday (since we can't afford to be bangag and ala sa sarili during weekdays...alam naming mahirap magwork under pressure ng bangag..hahaha..)..sabi ko naman "Oo, sabi ko naman sa kanya diba...kakaroll-in (sa totoo kakaroll-in ko lang 2 weeks ago..last week of being temporary ko sa project is yung first week ng break up namin) ko pa lang sa project and ngayon pa lang ako nagiging comfortable with sa mga kaproject ko so break up or not e sasama at sasama ako sa kanila..Alam ko namang dapat I'll have my own life...but I guess I can't have my own life and a relationship with him also..kaboinks!!" Bakit ba ang mga bagay-bagay ay lahat ay too late? Ang pagsstart ko maging comfortable sa project and start ng pakaintindi ko sa situation niya.. kaboinks talaga!
    Sabi daw nila sa akin...mukha daw hindi ako nalalasing..haha.. Yun nga siguro ang dahilan bakit indi ko masyado type mag-inuman.. E pano I just feel dizzy and sleepy (if pagod ako that time) pero nasa tamang pag-iisip pa rin ako. Pagkauwi ko sa bahay 2 meters away e amoy na ng mom ko yung alcohol pero indi naman daw ako mukhang lasing..haha.. Kahit pagtulog ko ay alang problema.. Indi kasi ako nagkakahang-over or paminsan-minsan lang..

How Ironic

2005-11-18T18:28:00.000+08:00

How ironic talaga. I was never blamed nor accused of anything after that Day but you know what I haven't met any person na truly naintindihan ang condition ko. Ewan ko ba talaga. Buti pa nga siya at meron may nakakaintindi kung bakit niya ginawa yun. Ako? Oo andyan sila nagsasabi ng "anna, move on".."anna, his not worth it".. Andyan ang yakap sa YM at may nakikinig sa iyo. Pero I never felt that anybody understood me fully, what I am through and why I still feel this way. Ewan ko. Bahay? Opisina? Sa labas? Meron ba? Meron ba talaga.. Kahit nga yung kaisa-isang tao na nakaintindi sa akin ng ilang taon e hindi na rin ako naiintindihan. Ang saya, diba? Ala lang..gusto ko lang ilabas...so anong care ko kung magreact nanaman kayo negatively sa reaction ko.. Ala...

Truly My Song..

2005-11-18T09:18:00.000+08:00

Have A Little Faith In Me
Mandy Moore

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
And have a little faith, faith in me

CHORUS:
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
i will catch your, i will catch your fall
Just have a little faith, have faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up, i will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to have a little faith in me
oh, have faith , oh, darling
Have a Little Faith In me
Faith

Heard this song while on the way to work. My mind then said...kanta ko! kanta ko 'to sobra! ..hahahaha..

My Dear, It's Too Late

2005-11-17T22:43:00.000+08:00

    It is only now na I'm fully part of the project na nagiging close ko na yung mga tao sa _____ project. Syempre bawal ko sabihin dba? Gusto ko pang makapagtrabaho..haha.. As usual, halos lahat ng kasama ko ay lalaki. Most of them are taken na and some...well, mukhang alang balak maghanap..hahaha.. Pare-parehong may minamahal..Pare-parehong dinadatnan ng problema. And since halos puro lalaki ang nakakausap ko, I'm starting to really understand guys. Ngayon gets ko na yung sinasabi niyang space and ang pakiramdam sa kanya kapag nagkakaroon ako ng "inggit" na nadarama kapag kasama niya ang mga kaopisina niya. Pero up to now I haven't fully understood his reasons pero ano pa ba ang magagawa ko diba? Sabi ko nga sa sarili ko...sayang at ngayon ko lang naintidihan. Sayang at ngayon ko lang nagets. Ala naman kasi ako kausap dati na dumaan or dumadaan sa naging sitwasyon namin ni Poli. Ngayon ko lang nagets at sayang dahil ala ng silbi ang pagkagets ko. Too late ang pagkakita ko ng things clearly. Too late ang pagkaintindi ko. Too late...I'm sorry Trixie, it was too late.

    Start na ng kris kringle bukas. May codename pero alam ko yung formula kaya kilala ko na kung sino ang bibigyan ko. At least, napadali ang buhay ko..hahaha.. I haven't finished the stuff I need to finish tom. pero kelangan bilhan ng gift ang nabunot gaya nauna ang shopping..haha..
    Sa christmas party daw ng project e Awards Night ang theme. Wow!! Mapapagown ako..haha.. Full make-up and all. Magfifeeling na napakaganda...hahaha.. Tapos may party pa yung company. Masaya daw dun may mga bands and stuff pero mukhang tatapat sa araw din ng Paskuhan. Ay sus!! Kapag nimalas ka nga naman.. Ngayon, kelangan mamili..tsk tsk tsk..

W O W !!

2005-11-16T23:19:00.000+08:00

Now I understand why people in the company that I'm in don't want to go to other local companies or to other companies based here in the Philippines. Now I understand why may Ipod na, may super expensive phone na and may Ipod video pa!! Plus they have lots of extra cash pa. Now I get it why the only choice they are willing to take is kapag ang job is for abroad na. Wow! As in wow!! Ganun pala yun! Wait ka lang at darating din ako diyan..hahaha.. WOW!!!
I can't tell the details kaya wow na lang ako ng wow..haha.. Now, I have a reason para magsipag..hahaha.. SUPER WOW!!

Hug Me Please

2005-11-14T13:44:00.000+08:00

I always try to be strong 'coz I know in the end the only person that can understand myself is myself.. And Rheza can even be my witness 'coz during the lowest point in my family's life (which happened during the summer before 2nd year, the TomWeb days) I was able to go thru it. That's why I was happy to have Poli around...kasi for the first time in my life I felt safe and I didn't feel the burden of carrying all my problems alone. For the first time I found somebody that understood me and accepted me as I am (including the added baggage). But now once again, I'm alone. I understand him and I want him to be happy since I love him so much. So mutual decision or not, I gave in.
I'm getting better, I know I am. Its just that sometimes a person needs somebody to hug. As in hug lang... I don't need people to tell me "nagpapakatanga ka nanaman" or his this or that. I just want a hug. I just want the comfort of a hug. Too bad the people that wants to hug me (without having to say other things) e hanggang YM lang ang kaya since we don't see each other much. Pwedeng magkita pero impractical kasi they have their own lives din naman. At yung iba indi talaga pwede kse their oceans away. Our family isn't the touchy feely kind kaya when my mom saw me cry kaysa hug ang natanggap ko e sermon. Hanggang si sluzzy na lng (which my doggie doll) and my snoopy blanket na lng ang pwede kong i-hug.. Hug me please, I need a hug...

2005-11-14T08:48:00.000+08:00

I understand..I understand..I understand.. I also understand that people do silly things when they are not in their right minds like posting my letter in a blog. I understand..I understand..I understand..
I slept at 2 am this morning because I was talking to a friend. The weird thing is I never really thought that he will be the first one to really enlighten my mind about the situation. The first one na ala talagang kinampihan and really looked at the big picture. We were never really close and I never really asked his advice about anything kahit sa relationships. Kaya it was a big surprise for me that he was really able to help me. Everything that he said e alam ko na. He even told me "I know you know him well" and I know I do. I guess I just needed somebody to really say those stuff to me para maassure ko yung sarili ko na lahat ng iniisip ko was right. And he was the one who was able to do that without even telling him a single thing about my understanding of the situation. I just told him the situation. Thanks dude! I know you don't read my blog (I'm not even sure if you know the address of this blog) but I just want to say I'll never ever forget what you did for me. And as we said kanina, we can do this! Kaya natin 'to!

2005-11-13T09:02:00.000+08:00

Goodbye Song
Stephen Speaks

And everytime I think of you
I'll remember all the goodtimes that we've had
And everytime I sing this tune
I will laugh, I will cry, I will close my eyes
Cause I know that it won't be long

Until we sing, we will write
We will laugh away the night
And the good times will never end
When we meet again

And I'm gonna be somewhat lonely
cause you know no one could ever fill your shoes
As iron sharpens iron you have thought me how to be a stronger man
And I look forward to the day I learn again

We will sing, we will write
We will laugh away the night
And I know that it won't be long
Until we meet again

Though I wish that I were with you now
I know there's a reason for a space
I can dream of memories you're writing down
And I look forward to that day
And the smile on your face

We will sing, we will write
We might cry and we might fight
And the good times will never end
We will laugh, we'll relax, we'll reflect on the years we've past
And I know that it won't be long, until we meet again

And everytime I think of you

I know now that sending him the e-mail was too soon. We need space...time to heal the wounds that both of us caused. Someday, everything will be alright. We'll see each other again.. Friends? Lovers? Time will tell..

A close friend told me last night, "Anna, siguro in a way kaya nag-break up ung relationship is because masyado ka understanding. Tingnan mo nga, nakipag-break na sau pinaglalaban at niuunderstand mo pa siya. Kayo siguro in a way he felt inadequate kse lagi mo siya iniintindi tpos indi naman siya ganon sau." I don't know. Is it bad to understand a person? Ano 'to...I'll have to change the understanding part of me para I can have a long term 'till death do us part relationship? Sabi nga ng iba, too much of one thing is bad but when is something too much? *sigh* I'm scared..I'm confused.. Hayyyy..bahala na. I gotta live life to fullest..hahaha..Problema lang its eating my funds!!!! MOOLAHHH!!! ..hahahaha..

To Add To My Weird List

2005-11-12T21:30:00.000+08:00

    Since the break up the weirdness in my life hasn't ended even if we technically had a fight last Tuesday (u know, the blog posting thingie..). Anyways, I'm done with that...I said my part and what I needed to trust him again and hands off na ko sa topic na un.

    Now back to the weirdness thing. The "I'll Be" and "Heaven" circumstance hasn't stopped. I really don't know what its telling me na...I promise you, I want to get pissed off kasi parang inaasar ako but I'd rather not 'coz its no use and a waste of energy. Hopefully someday I'll know the reason why sa araw-araw na sumasakay ako ng PUV e kailangan ko siya marinig. And there's a new addition to the two songs..ngaun pati 214 ng Rivermaya. But it isn't really part of the list, minsan lng before or after iplay ung "I'll Be" or "Heaven" e eto naman ang tutugtog.. And yes, I still see the ANNAPOLI commercial. Sometimes more than twice when I have the opportunity to watch TV. Para na rin siyang ung 2 kanta kse lagi ko na rin nakikita.
    And now add to that Gilmore Girls. I love that show..I have liked it since the first episode was aired in Studio 23. And since the show started I never heard a conversation between the characters na tumatagos sa akin 'till now. And lets see...pang ilang season na yan? ilang episodes na napanood ko including the ones that was given to me and downloaded myself? Super dami..as in..hahaha.. So here it is..

    Lorelei Gilmore: Relationships go thru bad phases but it doesn't mean you go and run away.

    I was stunned..Indi ko alam if what should I react kaya dedma na lng ang bata and tumawa sa susunod na funny scene..hahaha..

A Tequila Shot After So Many Years

2005-11-12T01:11:00.000+08:00

    It's been awhile since I took a shot of tequila. And last night (since its already 1 am) I tried it again. I tried mixing hard liquor and beer again..thankfully, my body is already sanay. After work, a few officemates (2 girls including me and 4 guys) went to Red Box to unwind. They wanted to go to Gilligan's pero magaling mag-persuade si lhen so nasunod and gusto namin..hahaha.. It was fun. Haven't had that much carefree fun for months now.
    Videoke, sisig, a shot of tequila and some bottles of beers...nice..hahaha..
    I've just taken a shower and I'm ready to hit the sack. One thing I admire about two of my officemates, they know how to balance work and family life. Kahit gaano cla nag-eenjoy sa Red Box today and yesterday, umuwi pa rin sila sa families nila. Even if they seem both loko-loko..they know their priorities and their responsibilites kaya ok sila for me..hehe..

The Irony of My Past Relationship

2005-11-11T18:57:00.000+08:00

    I've been talking to Rheza since 1:30 pm 'till now (well, matutulog na sya..hahaha). We've been talking about stuff and I did realize some things. The irony of it all. The weirdness of it all. But I did love the relationship we had so ala akong pnagsisisihan. Ala lang ironic. I'm not mad nor sad nor anything..gusto ko lang isulat..haha..I've accepted him as him since the start so no need to tell him his this or that.
    The Irony...
      When I'm the one who is to blame for something. Like I've hurt him or something. He tells me his hurt tapos I try to comfort him kaagad. To say sorry so many times. To ask him for forgiveness. To tell him I'll change..Etc..etc.. Then he asks for some time alone. I give him but I always take the initiative to make amends and talk to him again.
      When his the one that is to blame for something. There are two actions depending on how I tell him na nasaktan ako. When I tell him I'm hurt but no ranting no reklamo or anything...as in sad lang..he goes into this mood na "Im not worth it..Im so bad..Im hurt that I hurt you..". But when I rant and be mad and tell him you've hurt me because of this and that..His personality changes..says things that really hurts.."says bahala ka nga sa buhay mo!" and all.. In both cases, he doesn't talk to me for so long. Then I'll always be the first one to talk to him and all. And I'll tell him, "sorry, I was wrong to react that way. I'll try to change.".

    The Other Irony..
      We broke up because he said he couldn't take it na his hurting me lagi. But the solution isn't really to just run away. The solution was simple.."think before you say anything". That's it. You see I can take everything naman e..I always try to understand him. But the one thing that makes me cry is when he says mean things to me. When his in his defensive side and says so many statements that hurt. It hurts more since he says so many wonderful and lovely statements when his not like that...tpos with a snap of a finger..he goes extreme at the other end of the table..saying so many mean stuff when all the while he knows na sensitive ako. Yun yung masakit.

    I thought of this because of our situation right now. People have been telling me that he feels hurt for my decision not to accept his friendship after posting my letter in his blog. But you see, if he really wants to be friends then he should make the first move. Do something about it than just rant about and feel sorry for himself.
    During our awkward stage, I made the first move so that he'll be comfortable when he talks to me and stuff. During our fights, I would make the first move para magkabati kami. But now, he has to do it on his own. I'm hurt feeling and knowing that he feels bad and all. But I think I've done enough of the first moves thing. He has to learn to do it on his own. He wants to be friends..fine..then show me rather than just feeling sorry about me getting mad at you. I'm not mad at you na but I'm not gonna pave the way for our friendship. You have to do it. You broke my trust so you should be the one to find a way for us to be friends again. Feeling sorry and helpless wouldn't do anything without action. Actions speak louder than words my dear. You were the one who taught me that my tears and crying all day long wouldn't do any good if I don't do something about my problem. Face it rather than cry and run from it.

    Anyway..I took a baking class last Saturday..hahaha.. The bad thing is we don't have an oven at home..haha.. I can make eclairs, pies, marble cake, rolls, yummy brownies, etc....and and and...my specialty...hahahaha..PANDESAL!! LOL!!
    Just lend me an oven and give the money for the ingredients...and I'll happily bake you some..hahahaha.. Christmas is near pa naman..hahaha..

    Also, I went to USTE last night. An impromptu thing with AJ and Gheo. During my lunch break I called up both of them and asked if they're willing to just hang out in UST that day and they both said yes...hahahah.. Ako pa? Pretty puhleese lng katapat ng kambal..hahaha.. While waiting for AJ (na napakalate..haha), Gheo and I went to Benavidez. Wow!! Memories of me and poli are in each and every sulok of UST..hehe.. I gave him a tour of Anna and Poli's moments in Benavidez..hahaha.. "d2 ung first ako umiyak, puno nmin yan..dyan din sya nag-I love you...dyan kme umupo nung first paskuhan na kme na...dyan sya nagsorry sakin and nagkabalikan kme..dyan nya snbi na sa heart daw nya ako lulugar when I asked him indi ko alam saan ako lulugar...dyan this dyan that"..haha.. It was like I was passing thru memory lane. Buti na lng si Gheo kasama. So I told him this stuff with a smile on my face kse ewan ko ba..joke time talaga kpag ksama ko c gheo..hehe.. When AJ came, we went to Chowking Dapitan to eat. It was like old times..tawanan to the max. Kulang nga lang e c Rheza..hehe.. But it had to end kse may pasok pa si AJ ng 4:30 am so we parted ways at around 10 pm. Iba talaga ang simoy ng hangin sa UST...ang sarap sa pakiramdam.

S T O P

2005-11-10T22:41:00.000+08:00

    I couldn't take it anymore. All the "Anna his a (puts any bad thing a person can think of)"...Anna this, Anna that. You see, nobody has blamed (even an itsy bit) me when the relationship ended. It was only I that felt that I was also part of the cause of the break up. Everytime I hear or read something about him...something bad about him...my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. Indi ako bato, I do get hurt 'coz I still care for him. I want to run to his rescue but I'm afraid of rejection..of getting hurt when my only intention is to help him. It hurts that the reason why he wanted to break up was to not hurt me and himself anymore but it seems like the effect was opposite of what he thought it would be. And I can't do anything about it. 'Coz apparently how much I fight for him and how much I try to stop it...it just gets worse and worse each day. I wanted to shout and scream today. All those voices...all those statements. I can't take them anymore. That's why sometimes I don't want to get out of the house anymore. I want to lie in bed all day and shut the world out. Ayoko na...ayoko na..

    I'm hurt 'coz he left me when I felt that it could still be mended.
    I'm hurt 'coz people are hurting him.
    I'm hurt 'coz his not happy.
    I'm hurt 'coz people have been telling me that I was a fool for so long.
    I'm hurt 'coz of all the broken promises and statements.
    I'm hurt 'coz some are mad at me for still caring for him.
    I'm hurt 'coz I can't help him.
    I'm hurt 'coz I lost not just him but a family too.
    I'm hurt 'coz of what happened yesterday.
    I'm hurt 'coz I can't be with him anymore.
    I'm hurt 'coz some are happy that his getting hurt and tells me he deserves it.
    I'm hurt 'coz nobody is listening to me and all they can say is "Anna, nagpapakatanga ka nanaman"
    I'm hurt...
    I'm helpless...
    I can't take it anymore..Please, no more...
    If its hell for him then don't think I'm in heaven when you tell me that his (insert all bad things a person can think of). I smile and I laugh but it doesn't mean its true happiness. It only means that I try to be strong to be able to go on with my life. Leave the break up topic alone. Leave both of us alone. The only people that I'll talk about the break up are those that are close to me (which means years of being friends and all). The others, back off.. If you can't understand him or me without ranting all your stupid ideas then shoo!!
    Don't talk to him behind my back and think that your defending my feelings and emotions. If I have to say something then I'll tell him myself. Leave... Back off...

Torn

2005-11-10T08:42:00.000+08:00

    This morning, I cried again. Not because of what he did yesterday but because I feel torn. When I woke up there was one SMS from my friend. It states "Anna, what you felt yesterday about what he was going thru is all true. Nasa blog niya." I haven't seen it since I promised myself to stop reading his blog (well, maybe after a few months kpag kaya ko na, babasahin ko na rin ulet). I feel I have been placed smacked in the middle of all this.
    Why? 'Coz u see I'm torn between the hurt that I felt and my asking for a sincere apology...ung alang statements na "bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo!" and "nagdadrama mode ka nanman" at the end of the conversation. Hindi yung magsosorry tapos hihiratan ka ng kung anu-ano. With wanting to be there by his side (to be able to comfort him and all). I want to help him and make him feel ok. But I don't want to forget about myself either. That's why maybe when we fought before I always try to make amends kaagad kse I didn't like the feeling na his hurting because I got hurt because of him. But now, now na he left me? Now na kahit break na kme e sinasaktan nya pa rin ako? Now na I know I have to be strong for myself? I don't know what to do... And how much people defend my side and tell me that it was his loss.. A feeling inside tells me that we both lost in the break up..
    It breaks my heart that you feel that way but I can't...I can't forget myself again. Show me that your sorry was sincere. Show me that you value my friendship. I can't promise that I'll be able to trust you again, but I'll promise that I'll try. Sana lang if you really do value me as your friend e your gonna try to show it to me than just go back to your introvert self and itago mo lang sa sarili mo. I want to help you badly but I can't.

    I'm torn...

The True Realization

2005-11-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

    Ang stubborn ng bata...after crying kse she got hurt and mad e bumalik sa "i understand" phase.. Then a friend told me, "Anna, alam ko na when u try to understand him, its not that u don't take care or love yourself but it just that naturally understanding ka lng na tao. Pero sana wag mo syang iforgive 'till he really says sorry. Lumalaki kse ulo ng ex mo e, feeling nya hnahabol mo siya dahil sa kung ano when all this time I could see na your getting better na. Na you just came to the point na inaayos mo sarili mo para maging friends kayo. Na may faith ka nga na bka maging kayo pa pero indi mo sya hnahabol. Your just not closing the door kse sbi mo nga you don't know what may happen in the future. Diba kapag unintentionally nakaapak ka ng stranger you instantly say sorry? E d lalo na kpag masmalala na hurt ang nabigay mo to somebody na sinabihan mo na mahal mo and nagpromise ka na aalagaan mo forever (kse the search is over). Ano lang ba ang magsabi ng sorry? E d parang lalo lng nya pnalala kse sinabhan ka pa ng "bhala ka nga sa buhay mo!" Sana if may small part pa dyan na umaasa sa heart mo na alam kong natural dhil minahal mo siya ng todo e try mo ng alisin.."
    This came from a person that read his whole blog. Na never naging bias sa side ko. Na couldn't believe that the person who said all those lovely things sa blog nya and seemed mature and all is the same person na sinaktan ako today. Hirit nga sakin in a joke, "Anna, sigurado ka bang parehong tao ang kausap mo knina sa ym at ung nagsusulat ng posts sa blog nya before? Indi kaya twin..haha.." *sigh*
    I understood you and was willing to accept your friendship. But the person that posted my personal letter to you in your blog and the person who i was talking to in YM today isn't the person I've been with for the past 3 years. Your insensitive and immature and hopefully you'll see that. I never said I took all the blame why the relationship didn't work (unlike what people seem to comprehend in my letter). Pero I know it wasn't all your fault and the portions na ako ang may kasalanan e sinulat ko dun.
    I won't take the blame this time unlike what I have done most of the time. I was hurt and mad for what you did and my reaction was valid. Starting today, I'll firmly take my stand. I now know na hindi laging ako lang ang dapat nag-uunderstand. And I realized that it wasn't wrong for me to ask for your support when I had problems before because you accepted that role and I tried to stop you but you wouldn't. So its your choice. Whatever you feel today and the reason why you ended our relationship is your own doing. 'Coz you always had a choice...you could have done something since matagal mo ng nararamdaman...you could have told me how you were feeling but you would rather just absorb my problems...that ain't love 'coz you have to love yourself first and you didn't all this time... I did all I can for the relationship. Understood when ever you reacted negatively to me.. Understood all your pagkukulang.. I'm not saying I'm perfect 'coz I already told you my flaws and I already said sorry for them.. But now I won't be pushed around believing that I am to blame for getting hurt.
    Whatever you say, I did mean everything I said in all my e-mails, letters, etc. I never broke a promise or statements except of those na I didn't have control since my family disagreed with it or any other reason beyond my control (like sickness or anything). I gave it my all..

Hurt

2005-11-09T10:26:00.000+08:00

I gave him my last letter..it was my last letter 'coz I felt I got his point na. Point why he had to leave me. I told him what I felt, as in no intention or anything of getting back together. I told him the truth of how I was feeling. Then he post is it in his blog. My personal letter to him, he posted it in his blog. He told me he did that 'coz my first statement was "I thought of posting this sa blog ko..." emphasis on "blog ko". If he had the intention of posting it in his blog then he could have asked me. Online nman ako last night, I even sent a mass message of goodnight to everybody that was online that night.
And the sad part was when I told him I was hurt and mad e siya pa ang nagalit. Galit siya kse "drama mode" nanman daw ako. Don't I have a right to get mad and hurt? damn! And that he wasn't sorry for doing it. Let's say na indi nman nya sinasadya and all pero sana magsorry ka naman. Indi yung sabihin mo "bahala ka nga sa buhay mo!". Yan ang reason why I can't be your friend kse may nagawa ka na ngang nakakahurt sa friend mo e you can't even bear to say sorry. Sinabihan mo pa ng "bhala ka sa buhay mo." *sigh*

2005-11-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

To love someone is to learn the song that is in the person's heart,
and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.

- Heart Puzzle (February 2003)

Too Close To Home

2005-11-08T09:27:00.000+08:00

    I rode a taxi today with 4 other strangers that were bound to go to Makati. It was ok at first. I sat beside the door, a couple in the middle, another girl near the other door and a guy in front. Then the couple beside me started to argue and the guy became violent..tsk tsk tsk..Violent to the point that he was punching the girl on her cheek (maybe 30 times at the most during the ride) and grabbed her jaw several times. I had the urge to confront the guy but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was afraid he'll go insane and hurt her more...you see, he seemed to have taken some drugs. He was twitching and all. Parang may sakit. And I thought I was going to sleep on my way to work. *sigh* I'm sad for that girl..she's in a relationship wherein she'll never be happy. Then I thought..how luck I was that I had Jay-r...anyway...

    I had the weirdest encounters since last last week. Its either its plain weird or scary or "it's a sign! i wish so but I can't push my luck. don't want to expect" thing. *sigh*
      1. My life was threatened twice in a week. Damn! =(
      2. If in a day, I will be riding at least one PUV (except MRT of course), I'll surely hear the radio play "I'll Be" and if not, its playing "Heaven."
      3. The "too close to home" scenario in the taxi today.
      4. The Sunsilk (or what is it another brand..nacoconfuse ako e..they all look the same..haha) commercial with the light bulbs that form ANNAPOLI. I promise you, ganyan na ganyan spelling. It's the no. 1 pang-aasar of my mom since she saw that. When she sees that commercial, she instantly calls me..pala ipapakita lng sakin.
      5. After 6 months of looking for my heart necklace (my 18th birthday gift from jay-r), I found it. ..hahaha.. I placed it in one of my bags the last time I saw it but when I got home I couldn't find it there. I even washed the bag and really emptied all the contents but no sign of it. Then last Saturday, I was about to place some things inside when I saw a shiny little thingie..it was my necklace! I don't want to think of a reason why I couldn't find it inside before..basta I found it na.
      6. The "anna, sana..." blah blah statement I posted last night. Big big surprise. Promise! ..hahahaha..
      7. And the "wow! magkasing hilig pala kme ni maree"..haha.. You see, I've known Maree for three years but never really got to know her since my world revolved mostly around her brother. Then a few nights back she asked me something..if alam ko daw idownload ung isang video from a site. Our conversation started kse I realized from her status that they were going to baguio so I just said "yngat and have fun." Then she asked me 'bout the video thingie..pala she's also into photography and video editing..haha.. Then one time she saw my status "next class: acrylic, clay are finished classes: baking, german" then we talked about the arts na w/c she was into also. And she told me she wanted to learn the guitar and drums..haha.. E I do really want to play the drums pero hanggang wish lng.. Ala lng, ang weird..hehe..

A Big Surprise

2005-11-07T23:00:00.000+08:00

    I got out of the office late today..thankfully, meron akong pwedeng kasabay na guys..haha..but for safety I bring my tear gas with me all the time na..haha..
    I was talking to this guy about his love problem..sa totoo I was talking to them both. For some reasaon, I have become a love counselor of sorts.. Crazy, really crazy.. And then one of them told me, "Anna, sana lahat ng babae tulad mo noh...tulad mo mag-understand..tulad mo na matapang." I was stunned. Ako, matapang? ..hahaha.. But my mom told me that I now have a bit of spunk.. Hindi naman yung matapang na siga type but may certain strength na daw ako. WOW.. Super WOW! Really? ..hahaha..
    A friend even told me, e ganyan ka lng kse ala ka ng matatakbuhan.. And I told her, "nah... I think I've learned my lesson na. I like this girl better..Still the same trixie pero stronger. At least whatever I enter myself into (relationship or whatever) I will surely promise myself to always be strong."

What I Thought

2005-11-01T21:35:00.000+08:00

    You see, I've been up and down for this past one week and a half and frankly my energy's depleting. Ang sakit sakit na sa ulo..promise.. Ang sakit sakit na sa ulong i-analyze and makinig sa mga opinions ng iba (but I know they're just concerned). I promise you that its driving me nuts literally...
    So here's my final say about this break up. Let's say that the reasons he gave me was all the reasons lang talaga. And you see I understand him and his wanting for freedom and to be guilt free whenever he goes out with his officemates and stuff. Fine..I get it ok. You have to enjoy yourself while your young..while you still have time...while your still free from the obligations of having a family. Fine..I get that too. But you see one thing I couldn't get is that if he knew that we both loved each other so much then he could have said na "Anna, I think right now I can't be in a serious relationship 'coz I need space and freedom but you know what let's see what happens in a few months and years. If tayo talaga then we'll end up together, dba? When we both have enjoyed our single life already, discovered ourselves and feel na we're both ready to get into a serious relationship again. It isn't a promise but something that may happen." 'Coz you see that's all I really needed to hear... To feel that he really does love me pero we came to a point na we needed to go our separate ways as lovers since we still needed to do alot of stuff without feeling guilty, without feeling the burden of responsibility and obligation towards the other. Na mahal niya talaga ako pero with the things he want to do in life right now e natatakot syang masaktan ako kapag ginawa niya yung mga yun. 'Coz what I feel right now is different...na talagang iniwan lang nya talaga ako. Hearing the statement above doesn't mean na aasa either of us that in the future e magiging kami ulit but it shows na the light is still burning in both of our hearts. We just needed space to be able to grow and find ourselves. It doesn't mean na if nasasaktan niya ako unintentionally ngaun e ganon pa rin yung scenario in the future. If your both willing to try in the future then bakit indi dba? The point nga na both of you are willing to try e pareho kayong pumpayag na masaktan ng partner nyo since you've been down that road before... The point that his willing to close the door forever na is such a sad thing especially if he really still loves me so much and knows na I love him so much also. Kasi whatever he says na I'm better off with another guy e you can't choose naman kung sino talaga ang mahal mo dba? I don't want to come a point in the future na mahal na mahal pa rin namin ang isa't isa so much yet iba ang ka-relasyon ko or niya. It's unfair for that guy or for that girl (in his part).

    And because of my insanity I unintentionally bought stuff... Pampasaya khit just for a few minutes...

???A Big Question Mark???

2005-10-31T23:44:00.000+08:00

How can you love someone and let her go? How can you leave her when you love her and there's nobody else in the picture? How can you say that its for her happiness sake when she tells you it couldn't be? How can you say that you love her so much and will always do when your hurting her right now? How can you say that you don't want to ever hurt her again and thats the reason why you're leaving when she's hurting right now? How can you say that you understand what she's been trying to tell you when all you can say is no?

I Just Remembered Sumthin

2005-10-31T19:42:00.000+08:00

Promises are really meant to be broken. He broke his promise! I mean yah he broke alot of the things he said pero he broke his promise...ung tungkol sa birthday gift ko...hayyyyyy...

Insanity Rules

2005-10-31T13:27:00.000+08:00

    I've been up and down but I've never been this down...It's driving me nuts!! I do wish sometimes na somebody can knock me off and have amnesia..At least its a fresh new start, dba? Here's what happened last night while I was wide awake at 2 am and trying desperately to fall asleep.

    Trixie: Bkt ganon? I understand...I do understand what he did and totoo ung sinabi ko na I'm happy if his happy pero why do I cry kapag nalalaman ko na his having fun. Na parang ala sa kanya ung nangyari..na ok na ok na sya. Na parang nabalewala ung 3 years na pagsasama...
    Trixie's Inner Self: Istupida ka kse! Why are you still reading his blog and his officemate's blog???!!!!??? Tpos iiyak iyak ka..
    Trixie: I read those blogs kse I want to know if his ok...I do still wonder what his doing... Namimiss ko pa rin nman ung tao noh..
    Trixie's Inner Self: Ayan! Ang tanga tanga mo kse.. Iniwan ka na nga..binalewala ng ilang buwan e mahal na mahal mo pa rin. Ala na ngang pakialam sau e! Indi ka na niya naiisip!! Indi ka na niya namimiss! Move on! Lecheng batang 'to o! Move on sbi e!
    Trixie: I'm trying...I'm trying so hard..
    Trixie's Inner Self: Alang silbi ang try kung alang progress. Ipasok mo 'to sa utak mo ha?!? He doesn't think nor miss you! He doesn't care if you cry all day because of him. Remember what he told you nung nag-uusap kyo "Cge lang, umiyak at magsalita ka lng ng magsalita...mapapagod ka din." Iha, sinasbi ba yan ng tao na mahal na mahal ka? Binastos ka nga, iniiyakan mo pa! Stop it right now and move on!

    I cried 'till I fell asleep. *sigh*

I'll See You When I See You

2005-10-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

That's the last thing I said when I talked to Jay-r. Yes, kinausap ko siya kanina. No, I didn't asked him if we could get back together. I just told him the things that I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him that I'm letting him go. Kung saan siya masaya then its ok for me na. I told him that I can never close the door kasi ayaw ko magsalita ng patapos and then pagsisihan in the end. I'm not closing it pero indi ako umaasa. Whatever our relationship we choose to have in the future, e ok na sakin un. If its friends, enemies, lovers, strangers or whatever e bahala na. I also told him to just take care of himself. Now, its time to go on with our lives. If kami in the end e di magiging kme dba? If indi then I know we'll be happy in whatever path in life we choose to follow. And I told him that I hope he wouldn't break my trust na the reasons he told me..e un lang talaga ang reasons at ala ng iba. 'Coz I know if he breaks this one, I'll have to cut all connections with him na even the friendship.
After the talk a part of me was happy but a part of me was sad. Yung part na sad is the small part in me na umaasa pa. It was pushing me to stop the conversation kse the conversation meant that it was really over. Na ung bf-gf relationship was really over. Nilamig ako afterwards. I felt weak. But I know its just part of the phase....if nakayanan ko to talk to him today and survive the past week then I know I'll get through this. Sana lng what I did was right and that kaya ko nga ito.

So Frustrating

2005-10-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

I miss him..I miss being able to talk to him when his just one click away. Iisipin ko na lng ba lagi na nasa abroad siya at indi siya makausap kung alam ko na niloloko ko yung sarili ko dahil araw-araw ko siyang nakikitang online. Na alam ko nasa Philippines siya and his just one text or call away. Hayyyyyy.... Ang hirrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaap. =(

Tuesday Night Dream

2005-10-26T06:37:00.000+08:00

It was about him..a happy scene in fact. A happy scene na kme pa rin and it didn't look like it was from the past parang future. My dreams are my escape from reality but then he comes in it. Why? Why pati sa dreams???

The Sane Became Insane

2005-10-25T15:53:00.000+08:00

    It's the third day today..third day of trying..trying to let go and move on. But you know what it ain't easy..its hard as hell. It's hard because I know deep inside I still love him so much and that I know he still love's me too. Mahirap mag-move on lalo na napakamaraming memories na kahit itago ko na halos lahat ng mga bagay na nagpapaalala sakin tungkol sa kanya e nandyan pa rin ung memories sa utak ko na walang tigil na nagpplay sa utak ko khit anong gawin ko tsaka mga lugar na dinadaanan ko araw araw and mga nakikita ko sa TV at naririnig ko sa radyo. Could u believe the torture I had to endure last Saturday when I left his house? Ang kanta pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa FX is I'll Be. Indi mo malaman if talagang nang-aasar lang ang tadhana. I had to control myself not to cry while getting to Anj's place pero pagdating dun luha kaagad ang dinatnan nya.
    Sabi nila baka ibang babae daw ang dahilan at ayaw lng nya aminin pero ayoko na mag-isip ng ganoon. Kung ano ang sinabi nya un na un khit pa anong sabihin ko na I could have solved that pero ayaw na niya talaga sa akin.
    Yes, I cry every day...indi mabilang kung ilang beses sa isang araw. I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. I cry in the office..buti na lng understanding lahat ng mga tao sa opisina at alam na nila kpag bigla na lng ako tumatakbo sa CR...dahil dun na lang ako umiiyak. Kahit ano pang sabihin ng iba, masakit i-let go ang relationship na alam kong kaya pang maayos. Masakit i-let go ang taong minamahal mo ng sobra sobra. Masakit isipin na may ibang babae na pwedeng pumalit sa dati kong puwesto. Masakit isipin na indi ko sya pwede kuwentuhan o lapitan o kausapin dhil sa paggawa ko nun ay indi ako makakamove-on at bka umasa pa ako na magiging kme ulit (na sa akin ay ok lng ngunit ayokong umasa dhil ayokong ma-dissapoint).
    Sabi nila baka ilang buwan pa or baka taon pa baka ako maka-fully move on. Hayyyyy...bahala na.. Sabi nga nila kpag mahal mo pakawalan mo kpag bumalik then be grateful.
    Nanlalamig ako araw araw sa indi ko malaman na dhilan. Sumisikip ang dibdib khit na hindi nman super stressed out. Ganito pala yun, ganito pala kpag umaalis na lng bigla ung mahal mo. Ganito pala kasakit. Sbi ko dati to do the leap of faith and say yes to Poli was worth it kse mukhang hindi nman nya ko lolokohin at hindi nman nya ako iiwan. But he left me once and I accepted back and now he leaves me again...Oo sbi ko dati if he does hindi ko na sya mawewelcome pero iba sinsabi ng heart ko ngaun. Iba talaga kpag mahal...Ibang iba.. Sana lng someday he'll realize how much I love him... Mahirap...mahirap syang gawin kong friend khit na ngaun pa lng e gusto ko na kse at least makakausap at makakainteract ka pa rin siya. Pero hindi ko kaya gawin syang friend at hindi umasa na magiging kme pa. Kaya masmahirap kse indi lng ako iniwan ng boyfriend ko pero iniwan din ako ng kaisa-isang guy best friend ko. Kahit na namimiss ko at araw-araw ako nahihirapan, ala na ata akong magagawa.
    Ang batang sensitive lng pero sane naman e ngaun nagsisimula na maging insane...dhil ang hirap..sobrang hirap...I'm trying yet it's so hard....

    If you're reading this, I miss you so much...

New Life..New Chapter

2005-10-23T12:36:00.000+08:00

    As of yesterday morning, a new chapter of my life had begun. Unexpected and still in shock, I started to struggle and accept it last night. With the help of Anj, Tita, my mom, Aaron and Anj's cousins, I made it through the night. I wept, I shouted, I laughed and I cried...asking...searching for an answer but I guess it was an inevitable event. Something that I have felt for a long time was about to come...even my body didn't want to go out yesterday since I knew something was going to happen and it did. It was just a shock to me since after all the sacrifice, giving all that I could and all the "I'm improving, getting better!" phase, it had to happen that day. When just last Saturday, it felt like heaven. When just last week, I felt that it was getting better...
    Moving on would be hard especially there's still alot of pain in my heart. Pain of loss, broken promises, false statements, shattered dreams and all of the above. The pain of having to give up when I was about to beat the battle (well, in my side that is). And pain of being left alone in a supposed to be neverending journey.
    Besides pain theres also fear.. Fear of what will happen and fear of not knowing who am I. I gave all that I am and I changed alot of things about me for him and now I'm just stuck. Anj is trying to make me remember the Anna she used to know. The Anna who thought that she was beautiful even if nobody told her...the Anna who loved to dance on the streets...the Anna who says what she wants to say...the Anna who didn't care if a person liked what she was wearing or not...the Anna who would fight back if she was told something that she wasn't doing...the independent outspoken Leo Anna. And I'm trying...trying to find that person again and start over.
    The moving on part is the one that is hard. Three years is no joke especially that most of my college memories has him in it. It will take time to heal the wounds of the heart and open up the heart and trust somebody again. It will take time..lots of time.
    And as Anj asked, what if someday he comes back? I don't want to hope but if he does then I'll see 'coz its hard to close your heart to somebody that you love (and that somebody also loves you back). And if friendship is something that I'll be open to? The wounds of the heart will heal in time. It will take time to be able to move on. To detach to the instinctive feelings I have developed for him, the deep love and affection, the care and the passion.
    As Maaya said, there's a light at the end of tunnel. Just follow your intuition and heart, then you'll be ok.

die Erkenntnis

2005-10-18T20:42:00.000+08:00

Trixie = nicht wichtig; die Behinderung; traurig

M-O-V-I-E

2005-10-17T16:37:00.000+08:00

I want to watch a movie this week but everybody's super busy...And those aren't would only watch if I'll treat them.. Ang kakapal! Argh... I'm busy also but I need a break..a break besides having lunch outs and dinners, the joke time here in the office and the other usual things we do. I miss watching movies on the big screen.. I wanna watch! I wanna watch! *sniff *sniff =D

Anna Katarina Got Partially Wasted

2005-10-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

    It's been a month and I guess I'm still sane. Work, talking to Anj, MeiMei, Keren, Abi, Wally and, Dya, the teasing they do in the office and going out with my officemates keeps me sane. I do still get those odd moments wherein I do want to cry then I try to snap out of it and move on. And theres also those moments wherein your so excited to tell him somethin but then he shoo's you off or I feel that his not interested...but then I try snap out of it and move on. It's been like this for weeks...yep, I've gained alot of progress but it isn't an easy road to take. There are times when I'm just staring into nowhere and suddenly feel all the "I've decided to just not feel and go on with my life" type of emotions. And it was last night that I realized that even if I feel that I'm sane and everthing seems fine...there will always be a part of me that will always be the 100% original Trixie.
    Maybe that's why I did it last night...Thankfully, my old habit of mixing chocolate and beer (yah, I know it has a bad effect for some people but I didn't have any back then...sarisariling trip yan..so back off.. =D ) wasn't working anymore. Or maybe waking up at 4 am that day and doing an outreach activity 'till 4 pm + beer + lack of sleep + chocolate + a stressful week + the panic of being lost in a city wherein I only know one route to get to that place + getting another panic attack for trying to find a way to get to my destination alone when I didn't have the slightest idea where I was and how I'll be able to go there = A Not so good feeling. I didn't vommit or anything, It's just that only after 2 bottles of san mig light and several glass servings of san mig light + extra dios (dunno the spelling but it sounds like that though), I was already sleepy and my tummy was starting to say that it couldn't take anymore (even if in the past I could take more than that)so I decided to hit the sack.
    You see, I stopped drinking more than a bottle of beer after my alter-ego (which is basically the opposite of me...not really going on to the wild side of things but..well, basta not totally the trixie you'll meet on a normal day) showed up in Anj's 18th birthday. Whatever I was able to that night..well, only I and a few people know about it (and no I didn't go up on stage and dance topless or whatever in such related situation...I never got into the wild side..not yet and never will..but it was just something I really don't like to happen again). So it was odd for me to be drinking that much and wanting more (if only I had enough rest that day). I don't usually drink to get suppressed things out of my system but I guess I just had to that day.

To Do Or Not To Do

2005-10-13T20:49:00.000+08:00

I've been in a bind for the past couple of weeks.. I'm not really sure how to attack or face this type of problem 'coz I've always been the "bunso"..the baby...the one that people were concerned for. I was the one who was always told that what I was doing was wrong..and I never (except sa academics) have told anybody that what he/she is doing is bad for you.
I'm concerned but I don't know what he'll make up of what I will tell him especially that his parents don't really stop him from doing stuff he likes to do. His sick almost every week and I think I know why...it's because he doesn't get the amount of rest he should have everyday. He sometimes goes home late 3 - 4 days every week during weekdays (and not always because of work). He sometimes drinks more than once a week...twice or thrice pa nga. Now, I know he just wants to have fun pero when does fun become too much? He had to cancel nga our meeting coz he felt sick then one day after..his going to go home late again 'coz of the "Friday Club." I'm not jealous nor do I want him to stop having fun but I could see it on his skin, his eyes, his body posture... He ain't getting the rest he should have and I'm overly concerned yet I don't know how to tell him. I know that just by telling him my observations that he'll just go on with his ways and of course he has a right to do so (e ang magulang nga hindi nagbabawal e..ako pa?)... I don't know... I guess I'm still stuck in the middle...indi alam kung anong gagawin kse I don't want to stop him naman pero I'm concerned with his health...Aaaarrggghhh.. There are days na naiiyak ako sa frustration 'coz I don't know what road to choose.. Ang hirap pala kpag dating ng araw at maging ina ka na... Kung bf nga e ganito na nangyayari sakin pano pa kaya kapag anak ko na..haaaayyy....

A Mixture of Everything..

2005-10-09T22:40:00.000+08:00

    I don't usually take pictures of myself..I'm not really a camwhore person but when I was getting ready for my day for shopping yesterday..I suddenly saw myself on the mirror and said "hey! I look good today." Well, it isn't really something I usually tell myself especially for these past months (starting last February).. All the stress of the thesis then of going to Trend then now that I'm in the project hasn't given me much time for "beauty sleep." Too bad I was wearing concealer when I saw myself in the mirror..hehe..maybe someday when I have the budget for it I won't need to put on some concealer to tell myself that..wahahaha!!!

    At last I was able to take a pic of my first real souvenir from the project since the only thing I've been getting before are tons of food and emails..hehehe.. I haven't named him yet even if I've gotten more stuff from team buildings and such. His such a raggedy type of doll.. Well, we got it for free in Kamayan/Saisaki/Dad's. Everytime I see it, I always tend to play the funny situations I encountered that night with my projectmates in my head. Oh boy!! It's the night were it all started..kaboinks!!!

    I've been loving this talkative know-it-all brat. His hilarious in TV but I will never wish to have a nephew or son like him...hehehehe..

There's Progress

2005-10-07T15:19:00.000+08:00

After crying and moping around for almost 4 months...I've gained progress! Well, at least I see some light and I still feel guilty for feeling this way but I guess he doesn't see it as a bad thing. Last week, I didn't miss him a bit. Well, at the time I thought I guess I don't miss him 'coz I'm planning to see him that coming saturday. But this week...woah! I haven't missed him and I'm not planning to see him this weekend! Now, one side of myself feels guilty because I feel that it's bad not to miss him but the other side is telling me that maybe he doesn't look at not missing as something bad 'coz he told me so a few months ago when I asked him if he missed me and he said no. And if not missing him is bad, well...I can't do anything about it, right? I mean I even had to psyched myself and mentally brainwash myself (which is altering my personality a bit, but I guess I have to) to get to this point and still be sane. I mean the 100% original trixie would go nuts by this time 'coz I'm the type of person that likes to be around the people I value most...and when I say likes to be around, that means everyday if it's ok.

The Power of Music

2005-10-04T21:17:00.000+08:00

    Last September 16, I ran to my room with tears on my eyes. I turned the monitor on and opened the media player. I then selected my main playlist which consists of all the songs I had in my hard disk, chose the random option and went to bed and cried some more. The weird part about it was that the first song that the computer played was I'll Be. Since it holds a very special meaning it made me mad, crazy and sad. Then the next song that played was this....

Don't Give Up On Us

Don't give up on us, Baby
Don't make the wrong seem right
The future isn't just one night
It's written in the moonlight
And painted on the stars
We can't change ours

Don't give up on us, Baby
We're still worth one more try
I know we put a last one by
Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

I really lost my head last night
You've got a right to start believing
There's still a little love left, even so

Don't give up on us, Baby
Lord knows we've come this far
Can't we stay the way we are?
The angel and the dreamer
Who sometimes play a fool
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

I really lost my head last night
You've got a right to stop believing
There's still a little love left, even so

Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

Don't give up on us, Baby
Don't give up on us, Baby

    It was like some entity was with me in the room and it was speaking to me thru the music that was playing. And to think that on my way to Glorietta that day, the FX driver was playing the song Heaven. Believe it or not this is one of the reasons why on the way to talk to Jay-r my mood switched to really wanting (and I mean really wanting...100% decided to go through it) to break up to to give it one more try.
    I never really fully relied or believed in signs. I slightly do but my faith or my decisions aren't based from those. And if ever there were angels or strange beings trying to tell me something or even God in my room that night, I'll never be certain but I'll always be thankful for that strange evening.

Dreams...Plans...Whatever..

2005-10-02T11:57:00.000+08:00

Last night when I was lying in bed and trying to sleep (since I didn't feel well), I suddenly asked myself what are my plans for the next 3 to 5 or 10 years. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I had none. I'm a girl who always had a goal or plan in life. At the age of 9 or 10 I've already told my parents that I wanted to become a programmer since programming is not an 8 - 5 job (well some companies do have that policy). When I was in 3rd year high school, the schools I wanted to apply and the courses I would like to take in each school was already written on a paper. And when I was in 2nd year college, I told myself that I'll be working in the company that I am currently working at.
And now that I'm working and discovering lots of things, I haven't had time to think about what I want to do in the next few years. I know I want to go back to school and take up my masteral degree but when and how I don't know. Also, I have always wanted to travel (not really live in another country but just stay there for a week or two) but how I'll be able to afford that, I don't know. And marriage has now become a big question mark. I don't know... I need a plan. I need a goal. I need something to drive me. I know I'm liking my work right now (and not having to drag myself out of bed every single day is a good sign) but I know that it will fade in a few months time if I still don't have a plan nor a goal at that time.

Not My Cup Of Tea

2005-09-30T18:06:00.000+08:00

I have met tons of strange, crazy, weird, super happy, nice, friendly and beautiful characters through the years. And since I went to college, I have met people who are open to the topic of sex. Open in the sense that they joke about the anatomy of the woman and the man and I even met some who openly admitted that he/she already did it at a very young age. Well, I guess its part of the growing up..turning into men and women stage. And even as a kid I never really saw it as yucky..yes, maybe painful..but I have always accepted that my parents and other parents do or did it (but of course I wouldn't want to imagine it..now that's gross). I was never introduced to the birds and the bees but only to the true reality that married adults do it and sometimes get a son or daughter out of it. But one thing my parents didn't do was kid about stuff like that. I mean I never heard them as a kid joke about it or even things related to it.
Maybe that is why I always feel uncomfortable when people around me joke about it. Even now that I'm working and do understand (well..some) when one uses such word or one uses a tagalog word or whatever word, I still feel uncomfortable because I just feel that it ain't right (or something like that I guess). Or basically I'm just not used to it and even if I'll be exposed to such ideas and words I don't think I'll ever be used to those type of jokes (even if it comes to a point that I'm already married and do have a family of my own). It's just not my cup of tea.

Learning The Hard Way

2005-09-26T00:11:00.000+08:00

    I remember a few months before Jay-r and I became close, I told my aunt something..something that I never really did follow after a few months (and I have Rheza as my witness). I told her the reason why I felt that I shouldn't have a boyfriend at that time. More on so why I shouldn't have boyfriend in the same class nor department nor college nor university. I told her I shouldn't 'coz I felt that I was too young and that I didn't want my world to revolve around one person. But you know what, once you fall in love your mind just moves into another direction. Your in that state of trance that makes you want to be with that person all the time and you always feel that you are on top of the clouds. He makes you feel special, wonderful and beautiful. Suddenly, you feel like its spring all the time..flowers blooming, birds singing...
    But when I said "I love you too" to him I told myself I wouldn't end up like the girl I was afraid to become. I remember during the first months we had a lunch and uwian schedule. MWF was our time while TTh was the time we go with our own set of friends. It worked fine but when my group of friends splitted up and I needed support, the schedule wasn't applicable anymore. So months went by...we became regular groupmates (since we work well together), thesismates and he basically became my buddy throughout the rest of college. It was fun and basically we had alot of incredible memorable moments together.
    There were times that I could see the warning signs. Warning signs that told me "your world revolves around him too much...step back, do something about it..have a life besides him" but I never listened. I was too intensely in love to believe that it was true.
    And I guess now I'm suffering the consequences. It's only now after college that I started to listen to those thoughts. Thoughts that I should have done something years and months before graduation. He has asked for space and I do understand where his coming from so I did give it to him. We see each other once a week or even once every two weeks and I'm perfectly fine with it. It's just that ever so often (especially during the weekends or holidays when I don't have work and most of the people I know are busy), I feel lonely. No, I'm not blaming anybody and most especially not him. And I will never change anything that we have experienced together.
    Yet I just realized that now I have to learn it the hard way. You cry a bit (but as I promised him..I'll be strong)..you find ways to entertain yourself..you get all these dumb crazy ideas in your head that you throw away after a few minutes..then its the weekdays all over again. I know this will pass...I'll get used to it bit by bit. I'll find the independent girl inside of me once again. It will just take some time..

Busy Week

2005-09-25T12:24:00.000+08:00

    I had a busy week. Since I'm still not required to do some OT, its a surprise for some of my projectmates that I was leaving the office at around 7 - 7:30 everyday..hehe.. They were even accusing me that I was making myself busy so that I wouldn't think about him ('coz of the state that I was in last Saturday) but in reality I didn't intend to stay up late in the office. It was just that I had so many things to do and I couldn't make myself leave the office 'till I know I've done all that I could for the day.
    In the other hand, if your going to try any restos in Greenbelt and are in a hurry, don't try Cascaba..hehe.. Their food wasn't really that super special but I guess it was ok since it didn't taste weird nor bland. But next time I'll stay with their grilled specialties rather than pasta seafood..hehe.. I went there last Friday to talk to somebody. She was very nice and welcoming. She was very accomodating when it came to my questions and that she has a 50% discount in Cheesecake Etc in Podium! She even promised me that she'll try to setup our next meeting in there. Yumyum!! We both love the same place to buy cheesecakes...Jack's Loft and Cheesecake Etc..hehe..
    Yesterday was super duper fun. It was the best thing to top off my week. It was tiring since I fell asleep the moment I was in bed but it was all worth it. Sana lang indi siya nabinat sa kakulitan ko..hehe.. Thanks beb..

    I need a new hobby..well, beside still trying to enhance my German writing and speaking skills. I'm finished with watching Chobits (And no, it's not hentai contrary to what others have told me. Honestly, I haven't seen any hentai stuff in my life but I think I know what it looks like when I see one. But Chobits isn't for kids that's for sure.). I have dvd's full of Gilmore Girls' episodes (Thanks to jay-r) but I still need a new hobby besides watching stuff...hmmmm...

Just A Thought

2005-09-20T22:50:00.000+08:00

While I was in the MRT on my way home, I saw one of my grade school classmates (classmate since 3rd grade 'till the 6th), Alvin. And because the place was a bit jam packed it was impractical to go near him nor call his attention. I then realized that I've been seeing my grade school and high school friends and schoolmates accidentally for the past few months. I remember seeing Dado during my contract signing in Canon and Pia in SM last month. Then a few of my hs and gs batchmates during my stint in Eastwood. Also, I've been seeing them in glorietta lately. I then wondered if I would accidentally meet my old crushes and past "you-know-what" guys (thoughts of the stalker coming back..yikes!)..hehe.. Will they be the same? Will they look the same? Is he still mayabang? Bad boy "kuno" pa rin? Baka naman he already has a family na? ...hhhhmmmm... But it would really be a big surprise to see any of them or hear from them since I never became close with any of them (wow! ang daming "them"..hehe)..

A New Life

2005-09-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

For so many weeks, I slept every other night with tears on my eyes. Last last week, I had to go on an emergency leave because of the shocking developments at home. Last Friday, I ran to my room 'coz I just couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday, I was in the verge of leaving the house for good and ending a very good relationship. If I called myself a mess back in college then I guess now I'm such a big gigantic mess.
When I woke up this morning my mental state was "this has to stop right now, I don't care if other people doesn't like what I will do...but this has to end right now or soon." So I thought of a plan..A plan I should be able to do in a few months time or else I'll really go crazy. No more emo girl. No more I'm pathetic girl. I can do this, I know I can. And I know with the help of Him and Jay-r's support, I'll be able to do this..

2005-09-17T07:05:00.000+08:00

Hanging On

Fading colors
Drowning in tears

She stands in shock of the the world she is in
The land mellows and becomes still

A hit on the hand
She steps back

Mouth has to shut
She steps back

Unspoken words she needs to hear
She steps back

A stab on her heart
She steps back

One more step 'till she falls
From a cliff she never foresaw

Her heart beats fast
Her silent cries unheard

Trying to hold, trying to save
The colorful world she once had

But Alas! She is stabbed
No more choice, she steps back

***By trix...date unknown***

Why I Like Makati And The Company Im In

2005-09-15T21:18:00.000+08:00

10. When your in a very tight budget there are JolliJeeps to satisfy your hunger but you can also splurge in the different restos in Greenbelt or Glorietta.

9. Restos, spas, stores, gyms, etc. gives us up to 25% discount. And even 50% sometimes.. Free movie nights every month in Greenbelt or Glorietta!

8. There are alot of good looking guys..wahaha! and girls of course.. And with 13 offices around the metro..hmmmm...hehehehe..

7. Free pottery, yoga, dance, singing, language, cooking, diving, etc. lessons that can help you get the stress out of your body.

6. The name of the school you came from doesn't matter. Whatever race or whatever your cultural background is, it really doesn't matter. It's a big shift for me since I came from a company that looks at the school you came from first before your programming skills. And for some reason, you can't really tell who came from what school. I haven't encountered anybody who is mayabang and would only want to hang around with people that came from the same school as he did. Or even those that keeps on talking endlessly about their alma mater.

5. You call everybody by their first name..even your manager and the partners.

4. I pass by the mall(three in fact) everytime I go home..hehe.. I can instantly go on a shopping spree..wahahaha! The only prob is that I do have to control myself so that I won't ruin my budget.

3. I can ask for extra training if I need to. And maybe one time I'll be lucky and that the only available training is in another country.. Plus I'll get extra allowance(if its outside the country) and free meals too!

2. In the morning, I only need to ride one fx to get to work. And the best part is, the driver drops me off right infront of the company's building. No hassle..no stress...no need to push people around...nice.

1. Contrary to what people have told me before I signed the contract, the company isn't a slave driver. If you're really stressed out and couldn't take another day of work, you can ask your project manager to roll you off the project. You can take a break first and be part of the programmers' pool or undergo other trainings.

2005-09-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

Ich vermissen ihn.

Im The Real KABOINKY!

2005-09-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

    I got a point in German class today! At least I'm sure that I can read the time well..wahahaha! formally and informally.. I have always wanted to get a point kaya lang there are three pips in our class na ang bilis bilis. Super! Inaanalyze mo pa lang yung nakasulat sa white board, one of them has already stood up and has answered the question. Kaboinks!! Buti na lng the three of them were late today...hence, they didn't get right away the time thingies..hehehe..

~~~***~~~

    Ang dami ko ng nihilang tao to watch a movie..Its either they want me to schedule it on a later Saturday or they want to go during the middle of the week or one of us or niether of us don't have money at that time..hehehe..kaboinkies! Then they wanted to go last night but I had to leave the office a bit late because I had to wait for my program to finish so that I could send the stats to my team lead that same night. Hay...bad timing! Oh well, next time na lng I guess.. Then I was looking for a dinnerdate after work but all of them decided to go home na lng. kaboinks! kaboinks! kaboinks!

~~~***~~~

    My mentors love me..wahahaha! ahem ahem ahem..let me complete the sentence.. My mentors love to give me work. E three pa nman cla..whapak! Akala ko nung una they were serious guys pala ang kukulit..lagi ako tinatakot na I've damaged the database and lagot ako sa "the guy in the States". Buti na lng may kakampi akong babae, the team lead, who always backs me up.
    Hopefully, after a year or so I can also have that tremedous amount of patience and craziness when I get to become a mentor na rin even if I have tons of work to do..hehehe..

~~~***~~~

    Pansin ko sabog ang entry ko..hehe.. I just woke up a few minutes ago even if its already acht nach zehn. Now, I eat..

    AJ, pasalubong ko ha!!! hehehehe..

the big WHAT???

2005-09-04T15:31:00.000+08:00

    Do you know that feeling? The one where your happy all over when your around other people but there's this emptiness that consumes your body when your all alone at night? The feeling that you lack a part of you yet you don't what that one is? The feeling that forms tears in your eyes and all you can do is just sob 'till you get tired and fall asleep? The feeling that you know deep inside what makes you like this yet you can't really pinpoint what it is?
    Well, I've been feeling this for weeks now...off and on but mostly on. Whatever I buy nor whatever I do to make myself happy that day...I always end up the same mess that I am that night.
    Whenever people ask me in the office if I'm happy..I always say yes 'coz I really am at the moment.. It is only at night that I transform into this pathetic emo-girl..

    In the other hand, I already have a project which means tons of work and tons of time to forget about my problems.. Yes, as bad as it may sound, I have made my work an escape for all the problems and all the hurtful things I tend to think about at day. I'm learning new things and I'm having fun especially that the things that I've been learning aren't just for a specific PL. Also, I'm learning German and I can read, write, speak, talk and understand it.. Grammatical errors here and there but hey its only been 4 sessions and I don't have time to study during weekdays.
    I have batchmates that love to joke around and tease me that I'm "mayaman" even if I'm not. And even if we are buildings apart, we still try to see each other during lunch or during the company's extra activities at night. The people in the project I'm in also have a wacky side in them. We have free food every Wednesday and even if we talk about serious stuff during meetings, it still ends with everybody laughing..
    I know with all these.. I should be happy. I'm free from curfew and "no you can't go" situations. I earn my own dough and have always had a budget for all my luho. I go home at midnight or even the next day with no questions asked.. I should be happy..I know I should be.... but currently I'm not. Because the only time I'm sure I am happy is when I'll be able to sleep at night with a smile on my face and dream the dreams I have dreamed before. Some of those dreams I feel are fading away...and I don't want that to happen. I'm trying hard not to make that happen...

    And that....my birthday wish hasn't happened 'till now.. Sadly, I feel that it will never ever happen.. Hanggang wish na lng e dati indi ko na kelangan iwish ito kasi nangyayari na lang. Ngaun, kahit i-wish ko pa e mukhang indi na mangyayari..

..Smile..

2005-08-20T20:46:00.000+08:00

I remember Wally telling me one time, "si anna laging nakasimangot." Well, I know that I don't frown all the time but I guess he sees me frowning at least once a day. And being my officemate, cubicle mate and my constant companion (since we are in the same group, same batch and we've been classmates for 2 years)....he can surely bet his life with that fact. Ask me why I seem not 100% happy...I'll just tell u that I don't know why..Or maybe I know it subconsciously but I just don't want to face reality so I'm pretending that I'm clueless about it... My mom even told me that maybe I'm just pretending that I'm happy kaya for some reason e mahilig na ko mambara (as a joke of course) 'coz I don't normally do that to people 'coz I myself don't like the feeling ng binabara...
So when will the happy, makulit and crazy kid inside myself really come back? I don't know...

My Birthday Celebration Has Officially Ended

2005-08-20T00:25:00.000+08:00

    The real date was last Monday but it is only now that I can say that it has ended (well, the last celebration will be at the end of the month...i'll just make that an exception..hehe..). It had been a bit costly but fun. Its heart warming to make alot of people happy..hehe.. It wasn't as grand as my other birthday celebrations but this one was ok..
    Another year has passed by...I can't really say if I'm the typical 21 year old. I sing nursery rhymes when I'm bored and even hum the sesame street theme while finishing a module. I still sometimes hop and skip when Im in the mall even if Im wearing heels.. And the ultimate reason that I still don't feel 21 is because of my 'matining' na voice..hehe.. I still sound like a kid.. =D
    I'm thankful for everybody that greeted me on my birthday and even the belated ones..Also those that gave gifts (the huge choco cake, butterscotch brownies, packs of sweet sampaloc candy, cute collectible picture frames, bag, my choco book, star necklace, moolah, my father's acceptance, etc...) The only dissapointment I had was the realization that my one and only birthday wish (...which only I know..) didn't come true...or hasn't 'till now. Clue>>it isn't about my family..hehehe... I just hope it will come true even if I have to wait for a few months to get it but a few weeks would be better...

...

2005-08-13T18:56:00.000+08:00

Ich weiß nicht, wenn es ich gerade ist oder dieses die Wirklichkeit ist, die ich nicht gegenüberstellen möchte. Ich habe dieses Gefühl, daß er nicht mich sehen möchte und daß seins nicht aufgeregt, um Zeit mit mir zu verbringen. Ist es eine Aufgabe zum Verbringen von Zeit mit Ihrer Freundin? Nicht soll es ein Blessing und ein aufregender Fall sein? Ich gerade fühle nicht geschätzt und liebte im Augenblick. Ich nicht wirklich interessiere mich wenn, wieviele oder, was Geschenke ich empfing und von ihm empfangen werde. Ich möchte gerade geschätzt werden. Das Gefühl, daß ich speziell und eine Aufgabe nicht gerade bin, die Sie beachten müssen. Das Gefühl, das ich vor fühlte, besonders als das Verhältnis gerades Beginnen war. Das Gefühl dieses sein frohe Ihr dazu er..., Und die Weise, die er pflegte, mich zu betrachten... die twinkling und alle Augen. Ich weiß nicht, ich weiß nicht mehr. Ist gerade ich oder ist ist dieses wirklich die Wirklichkeit, die ich nicht annehmen möchte.

3 Tulog Na Lang

2005-08-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

3 days 'till the worst day of my life. Its not than Im pessimistic but I just don't really want to expect anymore. I could feel the dissapointment coming nearer and nearer as the days pass by. At the start of the week I became excited once again but as I realized the reality of things, the excitement lessened as the days passed by. Idaan na lang sa kain and shopping ang masamang nararamdaman... I shouldn't have expected...I shouldn't have planned things out...Another year, another lesson learned...

Oompa-Loompa!

2005-08-06T18:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the IT company's free monthly movie night. My officemates and I marched (literally! ..they made me walk from Herrera to the cinema..hmph..) to Greenbelt to see Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory..hehe.. It was a feel good movie..especially with all the weird songs and crazy dance moves. It was a bit weird that Jay-r wasn't beside me ('coz the cinema was exclusive for employees and his been my movie buddy for the past 2 1/2 years..) but I guess its part of the 'growing up' stage.

I received a confirmation e-mail about the free German class every Saturday...which means I'll be tongue-tied every weekend..hehe.. Im so excited! Now, I'll need to find a way to be able to retain the words I learn from the class..hehe..

15th (..my birthday is just 2 weeks away...and yet here I am expecting the worst for that day)

2005-08-02T08:53:00.000+08:00

Two weeks before I turn 21. Two weeks before the worst day of my year. For two consecutive years, the 15th August meant expecting something good that day but ending up sobbing or even feeling bad. During my 19th year, my parents forgot that it was my birthday and on my 20th year I was forced to go to the mall even if I wasn't my shopping crazy girl self. And now Im thinking of what this year has instore for me...hay caramba.. I don't need expensive gifts or even any gift of any sort. I just need to feel special on that day. To feel that it is truly my day..my ultimate happy day (just like before..during my 18th, 17th, 16th, etc...). Now, if nature would be kind enough to make that birthday wish come true...

Manila

2005-07-31T22:11:00.000+08:00

I always wanted to take pictures of Quiapo or even Divisoria. Manila has always had this distinct quality of beauty that one can feel and see in it's photographs. If only I had the guts to use my digicam while walking in the streets of Manila. I guess I'll just have to be contented on looking at pics rather than taking them myself..hehe.. I'll just have to make do with taking pictures of my cats. By the looks of it, I could already create a 2006 calendar that is filled with pictures of cats..hehe..

2005-07-30T16:35:00.000+08:00

When your world starts to crumble before your very eyes...the only person you can turn to for help is Him...

..Before My Brain Shuts Down...

2005-07-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

    Since my minds all mixed up with different topics, a bulleted form is more appropriate...What has happend for the past days and whats on my mind..hmmmm....in random order..

     1. I got my first real salary (since I was only getting an allowance from the other IT company before) last July 15. I got to pay off a bit of my debts (the moolah I spent during my first day 'till July 15) and treat jay-r, my cousin and my parents.
     2. I have to undergo a tooth extraction next Saturday. Hopefully, it wouldn't hurt alot.
     3. I'm going to learn German (for free!!) starting on the 13th of August. Whoopppeee!! Then there's Mandarin, French, Japanese.... *crosses fingers*
     4. I've decided to read rather than to eat..harhar.. Less food buying means more book buying..hyekhekhek!
     5. I can't seem to find any decent shows in cable lately.
     6. Absence does really make the heart grow fonder.
     7. I want to get my nails done but I'm still afraid..hehe..
     8. With the country's situation right now, will this country still be the right place to have a family? Or it is still right to have a young soul grow in this kind of environment?
     9. For some reason, I don't miss being a student anymore. I just miss the company of the people I used to be with 4-6 days in a week.

..Tag..

2005-07-12T13:09:00.000+08:00

three names you go by:
1. Trixie
2. Anna
3. AnnaKat

three screen names you have had:
1. simplytrix
2. little_angel
3. trix-e

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. nose
3. ears

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. tummy
2. thighs
3. feet

three parts of your heritage:
1. filipino
2. spanish
3. japanese (or is it chinese?!?)

three things that scare you:
1. cockroach.. (IPISSSS!!!)
2. having nobody to love
3. not being loved by anyone

three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. moolah!
3. a book for the boring days

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Charlotte Church
2. Alicia Keys
3. Moonstar 88

three of your favorite songs:
1. Torete
2. Especially For You
3. Anna (hyekhekhek!)

three things you want in a relationship:
1. trust and sincerity
2. care for each other
3. love and affection

three lies and truths in no particular order:

lies:
1. I hate cats.
2. Im not a computer geek.
3. I don't care how I look.

truth:
1. I love my popleeh.
2. Everything should be equal in a relationship...even simple things such as ordering in a restaurant..
3. I don't just adore cats...I even like dogs, snakes and little fishies..

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. eyes
2. (the others aren't physical)
3.

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading blogs of strangers
2. sleeping
3. doing something creative

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. go to ortigas and see him
2. get back to my old weight (back in high school..harhar..)
3. see the whole CSA2K5 and friends...and go out..

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. chemist
2. photographer
3. graphics artist

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Batanes
2. Singapore
3. Palawan

three kid's names you like:
1. Chloe
2. Kelsey
3. Christian

three things you want to do before you die:
1. get to travel around the world
2. learn the secrets of the universe
3. be able to help alot of people

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. even if I care about how I look, I don't usually care about looking good (does it make sense?)
2. I have an unorganized room.
3. I don't like to get my nails done..Im scared..

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I love stuff toys and all those cute little thingies..
2. I'll take care of you as much as I could.
3. Shopping is one of the best medicines..

three celeb crushes:
1.
2.
3.

Tag 3 bloggers(and lj users..hehe..)
1. Kupopo
2. Keren
3. Anj

Kaboodles

2005-07-05T19:35:00.000+08:00

    For the past two days, I head straight home after work. This week's motto is "don't do anything uneccessary until your body is 100% well." I've backed out from free movies, billiards, badminton and maybe bowling..harhar.. Well, maybe I'll go and watch a movie on friday night but then it wouldn't be free..hehe..

    I've passed by alot of FX terminals in Makati yet I haven't found one with a Proj 6 or 8 destination. Why don't they put one up? *sigh* Even if both places are accesible via the MRT, having one ride is still easier but I guess destinations like Marikina and Baliwag gives them more income. I'll just have to get used to FX or walk + walk + MRT + FX...hehe.. At least, it only takes one FX ride to get to work. =D

    Everytime I ride the MRT from work, I always see couples being sweet to each other. Having a bit of private time in an overpopulated place..hehe.. I always end up missing Jay-r more.. *sigh* Then a voice in my head tells me that I can do this (meaning I can be sane even if we don't see each other often than I want it to be) and then I see Jay-r's face smiling at me..then everythings seems ok after. Hopefully, I can always be like this.

Sick Little Kitty

2005-07-03T19:44:00.000+08:00

    Today was one of my friend's/blockmate's 'despedida' swimming party. I was raring to go since last last week but I began feeling ill last Wednesday. Darn.. The swimming was an all-expense engagement which means most of my blockmates would be there (since those that don't have cash wouldn't have a problem going). Double Darn.. 'Till now my nostrils are still bothering me and since I don't know what's gonna be my agenda for the next few months in work, I have to be ready phsically and emotionally on what they may tell me tommorrow. Talk about one super bad luck.. I know there will be more gatherings to come yet the crowd may be less in size...just hate to think that I missed this one. I'm like the kid in the commercial that wasn't able to swim because of a stubborn cold..hehe.. No point to sour grape.
    My mom was even asking me (teasing is the better term) why my cell hasn't beeped since 12 noon. And if ever it beeped, the message wasn't from jay-r. I guess she was just implying why jay-r hasn't wondered and sent me a text message asking me about my condition. I just told her that his enjoying himself and Im not really bothered by it.. I guess working in different areas has its perks. Im not that clingy anymore..harhar.. It's hard to accept that I was like that before but it is really somewhat true.

    I've been thinking of moving out but with a salary with less than 20k, it's hard to comprehend how I'll be able to do that. Everytime I think about it, my mind starts to add and subtract numbers which only leads to one answer, FAT CHANCE GIRL! ..lol.. I guess the moving out part of my life has to wait. Well, wait 'till my salary increases enormously or wait for the peso to miraculously gain its way against the dollar.

    I have to end this post before my eyes get watery again. How will I be able to work if I can't even stand the brightness of the monitor even for just 20 minutes?!? Aaaaahhh!!

Another Storm Has Passed

2005-06-30T08:18:00.000+08:00

    I'm back. It hasn't been awhile since I posted my last entry. I guess I just had a crazy idea that my world was about to crash in a few days. Fortunately, it didn't. Thank God for that..
    Of all the storms that has passed since November 2002, I can say that this has been the worst yet the best. The worst because I cried like hell for a number of days. I sometimes even wake up with fresh tears on my cheeks which means I was crying while I was sleeping. WEIRD! In the other hand, it was the best because I was able to accept our differences and my faults without having a tantrum of some sort. Oh my, Trixie is really growing up! Harhar..

    The other part of my life has also been great. Tiring yet great... I enjoy learning new computer stuff again and have been learning how to be independent again (independent from jay-r that is..which is good by the way)..I do miss him badly since for more than 2 years, he has been my companion but I do have to face reality (*sigh).. And Im joying the independence that I should have acquired since college..hehe..

    Life is good..

Indefinite Time Out From Blogging

2005-06-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

Tears fall from her eyes
Looking for answers and wondering why
What she did to feel like this
When all she did was to love and understand

Zipping Up

2005-06-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

I've got tons of things to share yet I couldn't. Not because I can't tell that person but because of something with a very complicated reason. I do dislike these days, who wouldn't? It's like needing to shut up when your super over excited about something. *sigh*
My mantra hasn't changed since last week. It's such a sad thing yet I couldn't do anything about it. And having a ym messenger at work doesn't help a bit. It worsens the feeling pa. Hopefully zipping up wouldn't make me insane. Not now that I'm enjoying learning computer stuff again... And I also learned that their offering language classes and others such as singing on Saturdays for free.. I wanna learn French!! Or even Japanese!! But I still have to wait for my ID before I could register for one..

One Liner

2005-06-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

Actions speak louder than words..

Lies

2005-06-19T00:05:00.000+08:00

Lies are bad for one's condition. Trust me. Its like a parasite that eats your system bit by bit...especially if you're the one doing it.... If only I'll be assured that telling d truth wouldn't have a bad effect..*sigh*

New Life

2005-06-16T22:27:00.000+08:00

I think I'm getting the hang of it. Even with the attire (since they are very strict about what one wears) and the long commute home; Surprisingly, I have adjusted sooner than my usual adjustment period deadline which is about one to two weeks after my first day. I'm ok with everything even if I'm back to training (for about two weeks since I don't know anything about PS). Hopefully, if I'm good enough, they'll deploy me after or else I'll master PS first before they let me do some real work..hehe..

My mantra for the past few days...nasa abroad...nasa abroad..

Just Take A Deep Breath

2005-06-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

Tommorrow's the day..Kinda weird since tommorrow is also the first day of some of the private schools (including my two alma mater). For some reason I'm not anxious unlike the night before my first day in the other company even if I don't know if I'll be able to meet anybody I already know. The start date was supposed to be today but due to the holiday thingie, they moved it on the 14th. Hmmm... What may happen? I have no idea. I don't even know if there'll still be an orientation thingie since they sent me a message yesterday to report to the other building. Who'll I meet? No clue. Will I enjoy it? Well, hopefully..hehe.. The only thing I know is that I'm more ready not just physically but also emotionally than I was when I reported in my old company...Hardiharhar... I guess by tommorrow I'll know (well kinda) if I really made the right decision. kaboinks!

'Coz Friends Ko Sila

2005-06-10T01:57:00.000+08:00

Just came home from a fund raising event for Anj's family (for more details of why please go here. My plan once I got home was take a bath, wear my sleeping attire and go straight to bed but since friends ko sila Abi and Lian, I transferred first their photos from my camera. What's so special 'bout the photos? Well, sila na dapat ang sumagot ng tanong na yan..hehe.. And since I was already uploading the pics into my multiply acct, I thought of writing an entry too. But I'll just edit and add stuff to it later since I really need some shut eye.
And for your viewing pleasure, some pics from the event...you can view the others in my multiply acct.

Anj & Kitchie Nadal On Stage

Lian and Joseph of SCQ1..tama ba? basta un..

Abi and Joseph

Adventure Days

2005-06-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

    The past two weeks has been a great big adventure. It all started when Jay-r went for his leisure trip with his family..hehe.. For the whole week that he was gone, I had appointments left and right for different companies (except for Saturday and Sunday). Interview after interview; Exam after exam; And luckily for me, some job offers and contracts.. I had to figure out on my own how to get to those companies without getting lost and without using a taxi (since my allowance fund from the other company is slowly fading away). All in all, all the sweat paid off..hehe..
    I thought that after accepting the job offer of the IT company Im in would mean that I'll be able to go back to my usual bum self. But since I only had one and a half day to complete all my requirements, I had to rush from the doctor to the different government agencies and even to my alma mater...HR in Makati, doctor, Carriedo (and it was a Friday, go figure)...weekend...Q Ave, East Ave, Manila, HR in Makati... Add to that the long lines and heat but I still had fun..hehe.. At least, I didn't get lost and I was able to pass everything on time..hehehe...

    I have pink chucks (an imitation but still..hehe..)! And I think I'm accidentally becoming a collector of pig thingies. Why? Ask Jay-r and he'll tell you why..hehe.. Pigs are cute naman e..hehe..Hopefully, I won't end up as big as them someday..

Just Need To Let All Of These Out

2005-06-03T00:25:00.001+08:00

What happened today (besides my signing of the contract thing) is a bit hazy 'till now. I guess everything that happened for those few minutes we were together was a bit a shock for me. It was like for some reason or another, I was in a different dimension all of a sudden. Which is why I had to let it all out when I got home. I needed comfort badly that even if I don't usually go to my mom after an event like that (well, I just feel that it should be discussed by the people involved in the situation), I immediately told her what happened. Until now I'm still confused and shocked. It's like trying to connect different puzzle pieces together that came from different boxes. I've been trying to sleep for an hour or two but just couldn't because of this big question mark in my mind. There are moments that I want to cry, to just let everything out but I think I don't have any tears left for that. I can't sleep...I need answers but I know only one person can answer all of my questions yet I know his unavailable at the moment. And I don't have any negative hidden meaning when I used the term "unavailable at the moment."

This Is It

2005-06-02T22:13:00.000+08:00

I'll officially be an employee (as in not a trainee unlike before) of an IT company by the 13th of June. At first, I wasn't really sure if I really made the right decision but when I got home, my mom assured me that it isn't really that bad. After around 30 to an hour of talking with her, I felt better.
Now, its time to get serious. I guess after being a trainee for a company for about a month, I already know my flaws and I can control myself better when it comes to being lazy and stuff. Hopefully, I did make the right decision.

7 Days

2005-05-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

7 days of trying to keep myself busy...7 days of trying to be sane.. *sigh* It isn't the first time or the second that I had to face this type of situation. As the situation repeats itself I do get used to it more and more but I doubt I'll ever be 100% ok with it. It's not that I'm against it..not everybody has the chance to experience what he has been experiencing and I'm happy for him. Not just happy but really really super happy for him. It's just the lonely feeling that sucks... But like the past situations, I know I'll survive this. It's just 7 days. It isn't like he'll be there for a month or sumthin, right? And I know that compared to what we might face when we both start working (as in for real..after the probation part and stuff), this is just a itsy bitsy piece of cake.

Kaboinks!

2005-05-23T17:00:00.000+08:00

I'm back to job hunting and I'm having fun with it. It isn't really that bad. The only down side of it is not getting any money every week..hehe.. Every exam or interview is another adventure since I get to discover the metropolitan more. And it's really fun to get out of the house almost everyday without having to dread going to an office and sit all day long and reading module after module. I haven't stopped reading the modules that I used to read when I was a trainee but now I don't have to make myself read all of it from 9 am 'till 6 pm (with only a 12-1 break). I can now learn without losing my sanity.

I went to Keren's party last Saturday. As usual, all the guys were crazy. It was a blast being with them again. And I think having a videoke machine made the guys crazier than usual..hehe.. Everything was great except for the goodbye part. I guess as the months go by, we'll have to go on our separate paths. Some guys may go abroad while others may go to Cebu or Davao or sumthin.. howell..

A Short Chapter In My Life

2005-05-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

    For the first time in my life, I didn't cry because I failed on something. It really was an unusual feeling. As I walked down the hallway for the very last time and inserted my time card in the machine, I had a smile on my face. It's like I was more happy to get out than to be able to get in.
    I know that I could have done better but I don't have any regrets in not doing so. I guess I just wasn't happy. I never really felt that I was really part of the place. Which led to not having the drive to succeed. I just didn't want to get out before they decided to because I was still hoping that my feeling about staying there would change but I guess it just wasn't for me. It wasn't meant to be.
    Unlike some people I got to know during my stay there, I will never dislike or hate or say nasty things about the company that kicked me out or didn't ask me to be part of the company after a series of exams and interviews. It is a good company but like any other, it isn't for everybody. And like others, they also have some flaws.
    It was a great 1 month experience. It made me realize what I wanted to do in my life. And maybe someday, fate would bring me back to them... Nobody can ever tell what may happen a few years from now.

A Simple Plea

2005-05-14T17:08:00.000+08:00

My mind has turned to jell-o lately due to the enormous amount of information I had to absorb for the past 4 weeks (and yes, the training is still going on and I have to study for my midterms exam on Tuesday). Anyway, I didn't write this post to write about what has been happening to my life for the past weeks but to ask for people to go to this site.
I know her and her family well. She's been my friend for more than 10 years and I'm also blessed to be her best friend. Her mom is wonderful and has always welcomed me in their family. I can't help them financially but maybe a person passing by this site and reading this may help them. You can also post the website's address on your blog or journal or whatever... A simple post can change a family's life forever.

Helpless

2005-04-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

I wanna cry...I wanna cry badly but I can't... I can't because I'm sick and if I cry I know that I will just make it worse....I can't make it worse because Im obliged to go to the training...I'm obliged 'coz its the only way I'll fully gain freedom...Freedom would mean being able to make some of our dreams come true...

I feel so alone...I'm helpless...I just want to cry...

Starting Another Chapter

2005-04-22T21:49:00.000+08:00

    I have been trying to brainwash myself that everything is ok. That I am happy to start a new chapter in my life but a part of myself still doesn't want to let go.
    I don't know what I would have done if Dya (my h.s. classmate, college blockmate and fellow trainee in TM) wasn't part of the training we are going thru right now. I mean most of the trainees (except for about 2-5 people) are with there schoolmates and as the only two gals from UST, what would have I done if they have only chosen one of us to be part of the training? Everybody is grouped by schools...and I don't think that not having Dya around would have made a difference in the grouping scheme we have right now. During my first few days in college, all the girls were together and everybody seemed eager to know one another. I thought that it would be the same in the training program. I know it's not college nor high school but still...
    I guess I just miss the old CSA.. I miss going to a classroom wherein you can just approach anybody without having a problem. That you can be yourself without having to think that they may see you as a snob or whatever. I miss being fully comfortable without people seeing you as a competition for a slot. I miss the jokes that the guys would make even if I don't understand the things they say 50% of the time. I miss having Jay-r around. I miss the routine we do during lunch time. I miss going to the CR with almost all the girls in class. I miss the riot in the classroom. I just miss everything about college...

    Dya wouldn't be around on Monday so I guess I just don't know what I'll do. I mean I just can't go to one group and say can I join you for lunch when Dya and I have been eating lunch together (the two of us only) for the past 5 days. I guess if I was a different person then I could but.... Hay.. I dunno.. I don't want to go to TM on Monday but I don't think I have a choice....

I am A Trender (Bow)..

2005-04-18T21:15:00.000+08:00

    Today was my first day as an apprentice in TM. It was also the orientation day for the new trainees. I have learned that only 20 (or less) out of the 40 trainees will be invited to join the company. I guess I do really need to work my butt off at this one. No more "I don't need to listen to the prof. (or trainor, I guess)" and "I don't need to study right now 'coz I could understand that later when I'm home" type of thinking. And I feel that I have to strive hard since the head of the apprentice program speaks highly of students from La Salle, Mapua and Ateneo. He seems to feel that the best of our batch will come from those schools. Well, I want to prove him wrong..harhar..
    If I really want this then I have to work hard for it. I don't think the other 39 trainees are incapable of getting a slot at the top 20. If they wasn't then I guess they wouldn't have been accepted as an apprentice. Oh my..Oh my... Hopefully I can make it. *crosses fingers*

~~~***~~~

    I think Jay-r's happy day gift for me made a very big difference on my state today. Because of the 15th I don't feel sad (even just a bit) that my vacation was shortened due to the start date of the training program. I really owe him so much! Hopefully, I can pay him back for all the things he has done and will be doing.. His really one big blessing from up above. =)

A Very Happy Clam

2005-04-15T21:35:00.000+08:00

Had a wonderful time today.. I'm drop dead tired but it was all worth it..hehe.. Now I sleep... ZZzzzz...

A New Dimension Of Freedom

2005-04-13T01:41:00.000+08:00

    I couldn't sleep and I feel that if I type these things on my head then it will be easier for me to discover dreamland.
    I have always wished of being able to just go and discover different places without having to plan it in advance. A spur of the moment thing. And I have always known that for that to be truly feasible is to have my own car. It's not that I'm an anti-commute or anything. Heck, I grew up riding PUVs since my family didn't own a car when I was growing up. Maybe that's why I'm among the chosen few who never really dreamed of owning a car or driving one someday. I knew my parents couldn't afford one so why dream of it.. But as the years pass by my wanting of being able to go to different places increased (mainly because I wasn't lucky enough to experience those things as a child). I had day dreams of myself (or sometimes I'll be the one on the passenger seat) of going somewhere during the morning and going back home at night feeling contented and happy for being able to had that trip. A person might say that a person can go on a trip without a car but I feel that having to commute to be able to go to those places will hinder you to control your own schedule for that day. Also, it would mean that you have to know the place a bit so that you'll know where the PUVs are (you just can't survive with just a handy map on your side).
    I guess having a car opens a new dimension of freedom (especially in my case). But I guess this dream has to be retained as a dream for the time being. It's sad but I can't really do anything about it, could I? I have so many dreams (especially when Jay-r came into the picture) of going out of town for even just a day and enjoy the fresh air and the company.
    I guess it has to wait... How long? Hopefully, not too long...

Super Happy Day!

2005-04-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

    My monthly happy day (15th) is still 4 days away yet I feel that it wouldn't be able to top the amount of happiness I feel today. MY BABY'S BACK! I know that some people would find it odd since he was only gone for 5 days but I don't really care about what they think..harhar..
    We went out today. We had lunch, looked for some books (the 4th floor of National Bookstore Cubao is a gold mine), watched the sneak preview of Guess Who and ended our day with a snack in Go Nuts (which would be the only time that I would defy my diet). The movie was a hilarious one..hehe.. I didn't really expect it to be that funny. It was funny yet sweet (a good combination, I might say).
    I guess absence really makes the heart grow fonder.

    Movie Rating: 5/5 but I think it became 5 since I'm super happy today..hehe..

Two Nights To Go

2005-04-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

Dalawang tulong na lang and he'll be back. Im sure that he'll be glad to know that I still have a week of vacation left since the start date was moved on the 18th. Yebah! And that I went to UST today to get the pictures taken during the graduation ceremonies. I was thinking of keeping one of his pics but I'd rather not..hehe.. The package consists of three shots and one copy per shot. I'd rather let his family have all three.
It's past my bedtime...I need some shut eye..

At Last

2005-04-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my mom gave me a copy of the The Virgin Suicides movie. I was such a happy clam last night..hehe.. If I only had one word to describe that movie it would be A M A Z I N G. It is amazing in a sense that it keeps you asking and thinking even if the movie has already ended. I believe, that there are movies that lack a good storyline (wherein you can't really understand what's happening because it jumps from one topic to another without any reason why something has happened - a bad type of movie) and another that has a certain mystery in it (wherein you need to think and understand each character to know why an event happened). Well, The Virgin Suicides is the "has certain mystery in it" type of movie. Another thing that truly amazes me is that the director was able to pull it off. I mean movies that play with your mind are really hard to do. This is the type of movie that you could watch with a group of people and discuss what you think are the reasons for a certain event to happen over a cup of coffee. Yet it isn't the type of movie that everybody would like..hehe.. Rating: 5/5
Because of the movie, my wanting of reading the novel has increased..hehe.. I saw the book in Powerbooks last week and it had a 600+ price tag (or price sticker I guess). Now if only somebody would buy it for me. =D I'm still in the process of making my mom say yes..hehe..

Goodbye Vacation!

2005-04-06T16:49:00.000+08:00

Today is my exam for a certain IT firm but I didn't go. I didn't 'coz I already accepted the offer of another company. Also, I thought that I should take a break from all the hoolabaloo of finding work especially now that I have less than a week of vacation left. Because even if I already accepted their offer last Saturday I still went through an interview for another IT company in Makati (just for the experience...hehe). By the 11th, I'll be back to experiencing the traffic during rush hour and learning new techie computer stuff. I do feel I made the right decision. I'm like a scholar..hehe.. I get paid to study and I don't really have an obligation to stay with them after the training period. And I don't have to pay anything if I didn't join them after the training. As my dad said a few days ago, its a win-win situation..hehe.. Well, hopefully it really is.

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Jay-r and his family is off to another adventure today. If only I had that much of cash to spend for that kind of adventure too; =D As expected, Sun's global roaming thingie (or whatever they call it) isn't working. Last December, we used Smart to be able to stay intouch and this time he told me that he'll try Sun's. If everything went well, he should have sent me a message already. Hopefully, the only problem he has encountered is the Sun's incapability to be able to send me the message he has sent. He'll be back on the night of the 10th. Hopefully, I won't miss him that much since I already got used to receiving messages from him even if his hundreds or even thousands miles away.

I Never Thought It Would Be So Fast

2005-04-01T20:38:00.000+08:00

Today was my interview for TrendMicro. I never thought that I would be offered the training program right after the interview. The HR said that the training program will start on the 11th. I was always sure that I would like the job that I applied for in that company but I never expected that it will start that soon. If I sign the contract and give it back tommorrow, I'll only have one week of vacation left before I start studying again. Hayayay...what to decide...what to decide..