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Monday, November 21
:: Lessons Learned/Realizations 101 ::
1. Now I know who are the people that I can trust. I mean sa mga friends ko. Yung hindi plastic. Kasi yung iba they say one thing but they do the other parang nakakaloko. Parang they give you this false comfort. Ewan ko..sa akin lang naman.
2. I realized na I was never balanced. Well, I tried to be at first..when the relationship was just starting but I was too engulfed in the relationship that I almost forgot about them...My true friends na kahit na I almost forgot about them e always there kapag I had a rough day (..meaning naloloka nanaman ako because of the situation that happened). Isang sms lang and they try to meet me para I'll feel better. Hence, the biglaang overnight, the impromptu UST thing, the calls during lunch break, more than 5 hrs of YM conversations, calls during weekends when I'm alone sa bahay and weeping to death and yung naudlot na shopping sa Designer Depot at ang hindi natuloy na Avilon Zoo. And the best thing about it is that they are just there to listen. They don't pollute my mind nor say alot kasi they know that they just know half of the story so they don't understand the situation fully. And I think that's a mature way of dealing with a crying, weeping, crazy and naloloka na bata...hahaha.. GOOOOOoooooo FRIENDS!! ..hehe.. You know who you are. Super Duper Danke!! =)
3. That I can have a life besides the one I have with Poli which I think his been trying to teach me since summer or rather since the last semester of college. I thought I was doing it na these past few months but due to that Day I now know na hindi pa pala. Maybe I do do it but partial lang. And after a month of being forced na hindi siya kausapin and itext and all... I now know na I could have a life besides the one I have with him and still love him. Well, if given a chance to come back..I'll sure say yes to it but I won't surely give up the other life that I was given a chance to see and experience. Masmasaya e!! And syempre super duper over the top saya if I could have both worlds, diba? Kasi before I felt kulang kse I didn't have the world I have now..pero ngaun I feel lalo ng incomplete kasi my bago akong mundo pero nawala naman sya..hayyyy..
4. I found my independent self again. I know naman na since I was a kid I was independent..parang hindi bunso noh? ..hahaha.. But umabot sa point na umasa ako fully kay Poli. Naspoil ako siguro masyado. Hence, lahat na lng ng decision ko e I ask him muna about it. Good in some ways but bad in alot of ways.
5. That I really know him fully it's just that when I feel so alone and desperate, I listen to other people's stories tapos try to believe in those kahit na alam kong hindi niya iyon magagawa. The stupid things a person does when she's emotionally high (and a bad emotional high it is)..tsk tsk tsk.. Has to change, has to change...
6. That I really really love him kasi I let him go kahit na hindi mutual decision yung break up. I just can't bear see him cry and sad because of me. Sa totoo now I still can't bear it kasi I know his still not ok. I did it for him to be ok but a part of me tells me na his not ok. I want to help him badly but I can't kasi he won't let me. Now I can really say na I love him as in more than he'll ever know and feel.
7. That he doesn't know me well. Or that he has too many mixed emotions inside of him na it seems like he doesn't know me even if he really does.
8. That I won't be able to love another person greater or as much as I love him. Unfair kung unfair doon sa susunod na tao (if ever may susunod pa) pero nobody can ever understand how much I love him. He isn't the first guy that passed by my way so it isn't really the "first love" typical syndrome.
9. That I need to keep some love for myself but not to the point that you become cold or selfish basta may itira ka lang. I think its a lesson both of us should learn. =D
10. That I know I'll really apply and follow all the lessons na I have learned. Well, matagal ko ng alam na ganito ang personality ko..haha.. Just ask my mom. =D
11. Don't utter words when your 100% mad. Think then say stuff..
12. Get sad over things but don't go overboard. Oki lang malungkot because of a dissapointment pero dapat after a few minutes oki ka na. Don't dwell on it too much which what I did these past few months. Dwelling on stuff wouldn't heal the wounds kasi.
It's his birthday on Friday. I'm sad na I can't be there to celebrate it with him. Tsaka if given a chance I don't know if I can do it. I want to but I'm afraid of getting hurt. Yung makita siya pero hindi mo siya malambing or makiss or mahug. Ang hirap kasi... I'll surely try to overcome the fear..the fear of rejection from him pero I dunno..
Dapat nga today is that the start of my surprise plan.. And since I couldn't do the surprise even if I want to... Lam mo yun, parang feeling banned ako to do those stuff..
Suprise Plan = Magpadeliver everyday sa office nila ng something special starting November 21.
Monday - 14 inch na New York's Finest from Yellow Cab
Tuesday - Blueberry Cheesecake from Cheesecake Etc. or Red Ribbon
Wednesday - Cinnamon Rolls (mga isang box para maishare naman nya..hehe) from Starbucks w/ ksamang coffee of course.. =D
Thursday - Eto kse still nagdedebate pa ako last month..If sans rival from Red Ribbon or Popeyes..
Friday - Me!! Haha..sa totoo..Mango Float Cake w/c I will make that I will personally deliver. Dapat kse magooff-set ako and take a half day na lng sa work. Excuse ko yung diploma or sumthin pero dadaan muna ako Ortigas.. =D
Pero now lahat yan ay dreams na lang. I want to do it but I know I can't and shouldn't...kaya at least nasulat ko diba? La lang...
Heaven Knows (The Angel Has Flown)
Orange and Lemons
There are times when I'm lying in my bed
Hug my pillow and cry from this tip again
And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day
Almost rubbed down, swelling, as I keep on
Dipping my face in these cold hands of mine
Heaven knows how bitter I am
Chorus
‘Cause this angel has flown away from me
Leaving me in drunken misery
I should have clipped
For all eternity
Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought I had the strength to set
Did what I did because I love
Will
Aah…
I’m so tired, I feel like catching forty winks
Being up all night in this elbow room
That puts me in a trance
Where hopes and dreams come true
Now my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting
From this fuse I mixed till I light another
Cigarette just to pass my time, oh
Heaven knows how bitter I am
(Repeat chorus)
10:22 AM
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